A Fish Called Tippy

About 10 years ago, I bought a goldfish from the local pet store. I picked her because she had a beautiful long tail and she seemed to be content...well, as content as you can be for a goldfish at the pet store! When I brought her home, I noticed she had a funny little habit of tipping over whenever she stopped swimming. Most times, she was upright and fine. But when she stopped swimming she would tip over on her nose. I thought it was cute and decided to name her Tippy.

One day I was either reading something about fish or watching a program about fish and it mentioned that when fish have a swim bladder infection (the swim bladder is what helps a fish keep their balance in the water) they lose their sense of balance and will either turn completely upside down or tip over. Which would be similar to when a person has vertigo or an inner-ear infection. I was mortified. At that moment I realized that my fish wasn't being cute, she was sick. And I felt so horrible that I'd named her something based on her illness. Immediately I rushed to the pet store to buy medicine for my poor fish. After a few drops and a few days, Tippy didn't tip over anymore.

Recently, I've discovered a kind of swim bladder infection of my own. I'd thought some of my patterns, behaviors, tendencies and habits were just part of my personality and quirks. But when I really looked at the issue and identified the root of the problem, I had the same heart-wrenching realization I'd experienced with Tippy. It's a sobering thing to look at yourself with new eyes. When you recognize that the perception you had of yourself was based on misreading the signs, and that you viewed your history through eyes that couldn't see clearly, it can make you a little off-balance.

Some of you may have heard of Jenny McCarthy's experience with her autistic son, Austin. She'd talked about the first time the doctor revealed to her that her son's habits and tendencies were actually displays of autism. When she heard that, she said she suddenly couldn't see her little boy anymore. All she saw was the autism. The little things she thought were cute- how he would repeat things, how he lined up his toys, and other habits, were suddenly scary to her. I can relate to that. Not to say that I know the pain and confusion of realizing a child has an illness and feeling helpless to do anything about it. But I know the pain and confusion of feeling helpless and trying to understand who you now are in spite of something that's not quite right.

Seeing the horror in Jenny's eyes, the doctor grabbed her by the hands, made her look him in the eyes and firmly told her- he's still your son. After Tippy got better, she was still Tippy- my goldfish with the long beautiful tail. Venita, you are still Venita. And just now my wonderful husband walked in to tell me he will help me work through this and that he loves me. I hope I can see again who he sees.

The Second Time Around - Celibate, Table for One Part III of III

Two Sundays ago, my husband and I plus all the other couples at our church, renewed our vows. Since the first time around was such a whirlwind because I planned and executed our wedding, I didn't really get a chance to savor the moment of exchanging vows. Even the lady we got to do our cake took a moment to tell me to stop running around on my wedding day!

But for the vow renewal, I came prepared. I pulled my veil out of the closet and wore it for the ceremony. This time I wanted to focus on nothing but my husband and every word I committed to him. It was such a touching moment for us. One that we will treasure as much as the first time. Except we didn't dance a tango afterwards!

So with that being said, I am posting the last installment of Celibate, Table for One.

Breaking-up sucks
So God was proud of me, but my heart still hurt. I wanted my sweet Baby back. Words of encouragement from friends fell flat. I didn’t want to hear about how this one guy broke up with his girlfriend and then 15 years later, they got back together, yay! :-| . I didn’t want to hear about someone being broken up with 3 different times over the issue of celibacy and how the first guy ended up getting engaged to someone else a week after he’d broken up with her, yay! oh goody! :-| . And I surely didn’t want to hear those who, with a tone in their voice and disgusted look as though I had green slime on my face, asked, “It was THAT important to you that you let him go? You weren’t trying to be celibate before so why is it so important now?” Followed by, “Well, I guess. If that’s what you want...” :-| . Did I want my boyfriend to break-up with me? Of course not!

It was easy for people to tell me that God had the best for me in the next guy, but that was what they’d said last time. I wanted someone to tell me that I wouldn’t have to say good-bye to The Best anymore and no one was doing that. My heart was fragile and I was tired of breaking-up. I could have felt animosity towards THE CELIBACY, as though it was some sort of disease that I chose to have. But surprisingly, I didn’t. Instead I could only embrace it. I knew that it protected me and gave me the strength I needed to please God. I reclaimed so many things because of my celibacy. I had the peace of mind to know that he loved me because of me. I didn’t have to go through life wondering if he still respected me after letting the hunter catch his prey. I had the courage to stand up and not compromise on my values. I know that it allowed me to enjoy my relationship with open eyes and clearly evaluate his character as a potential life-mate and not be clouded by the blinders that often come up after sex. He cherished me and everyone could see it. Celibacy freed me up to see the difference between the types of love- Godlike-love, friendship-love and sexual-love – and the importance and proper place of all three in a relationship.

Before celibacy, I’d lost my right to stand in confidence through righteousness. Doubt was allowed to roam in and out of my heart because I was not standing in God’s will. Those relationships trained me to use sex as a way for spending time together. It trained me to compromise on other values and my self-respect. It sent a personal invitation to many things that I’d always said, “I would never...” to. I’d tasted a pinch of Godlike-love mixed with sexual-love; or a cup of friendship-love and a pound of sexual-love; or a dash of all three. In celibacy I had a heaping of Godlike-love and a heaping of friendship-love and I could smell the aroma of sexual love baking in the oven and I was sitting at the table ready to eat!

So the moral of the story is, now I understand why it was hard for him. Now I understand and will remember that God loves me. Now I understand that I wouldn’t trade celibacy for what I had before. And so, my man and I got back together and we never broke up again and everything is wonderful now. :-| . Yes, I understand. No, he’s not back. But everything is still wonderful. The moral of the story is I’m still a victorious Rocky Balboa because I took yesterday to change today, and I’m using today to make a worthwhile tomorrow. And I will rinse and repeat. Celibacy isn’t my reservation for life-long loneliness. It just sets me apart from the crowd. It marks me with a seal that says, “You have to be a real man to handle this. Wimps need not apply.” So I sit here alone at my table for one, with two chairs and the aroma of a tasty dish wafting from the kitchen. All I can say is, “Bring it on!"

So the surprise twist ending I hinted about in the first installment is...this was written about my NOW husband and I the first time we dated. At the time I wrote this I didn't know the end of our story. Several years later, we reconnected and started dating again. The second time around he was able to join me on the journey and committed to staying celibate until our wedding night. In the end, the sacrifice, the heartache, and the maturity we developed in our experience gave us the security in our relationship we both enjoy. It certainly wasn't easy, but it is continuing to be worth it. Sometimes it isn't until the second time around that you really get to enjoy it.