You sure you want a King?

On my previous post, I talked about just letting 2010 be about dancing with my Father. Once I'd become liberated by that idea, I started to think more about this concept of just being still, hanging with God, and letting Him take the lead in our dance. It reminded me of when the Israelites asked Samuel for a King to lead the people rather than Samuel's sons whom he'd established as Judges. Yeah, cause most people get reminded of 1 Samuel chapter 8 verses 1-22 when they write out their New Year's resolutions....riiiiight. Again, it's a sickness, just roll with it.

BUT truly, it did remind me of that scene because of what God said in response to their complaints. He basically said, "Look Samuel, this isn't really about your sons or you. This is about them rejecting ME. I was already their King". So God told Samuel to tell them like it T-I-is. He basically said, "Tell them if they want a king so bad, this is how it's going to be with a king over them- he's going to take your stuff and make it his. He's going to make your sons and daughters work for him. Basically you're going to be worse off than you are right now. And when you start being mad, don't come crying to me about it!" And even after Samuel told them that, they still demanded a king. And God said, "Fine! Give 'em a King. I'll even pick one out".

Isn't that just like how we are with Him? We establish a layer in between a direct relationship with God and think it's a better set up. And if we're extra holy, we innocently (kinda) think, we SHOULD have this other thing to guide and direct our lives for us in "partnership" with God. Don't think so? I'll use myself as an example-

- Ok, I wanted to define a career for myself because I wanted to know that my life had a track to ride on. God says, "Why do you need something called a 'career' for that? You have me!"

- I wanted to have $XX dollars in the bank so I know I will have money to fall back on in case something happens. God says, "Yeah being wise with money and being prepared is good, but you don't need to fall back on your money. You need to fall back on me!"

- I was concerned about factoring in new relationships in the future. God says, "Why not enjoy the relationship you're having with me? Cause guess what? I promise you, some dude is eventually going to work your nerves, take up your time, money, and attention."

Oh, and remember I was going to do the right thing and pray He would bless and guide all my "layers".

We try to make that stuff sound all good and smart and right. But know what that stuff really is? *whispering* Psst! Lean in... those are called "idols". Yeah! For real! And despite what Paula, Randy, Simon or the new dudette thinks, God isn't a fan. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying He's saying I should hate men, not have some idea of what to do with my life, or save money. But I get His point, especially about relationships cause they are work. And that's putting it lightly.

But just as God was saying to the Israelites, He's saying to us, "Ok, you want all that? Fine. But don't come crying to me when your career is over-demanding, your money is funny, and he gets on your nerves, when you could've just had me!". Again, there's nothing wrong with having goals or guidelines or desires. What'll get you messed up is if you look in your heart and realize you trust those things more than you trust God.

Oh and in case you were wondering, Saul (the King they asked for) did turn out to be a headache. And that's putting it lightly. Not because God purposefully picked a lemon, but because nothing, I mean nothing, compares to God. Man, they should've just stuck with God! I know I'm going to.

Both Awe and Consternation

AWE- Talk about following through!

Click to read-> Allen 18-Year-Old Makes Good On Promise To Orphan


CONSTERNATION- I don't know what was more disturbing, that he did it, or all the comments on the article that only focused on a better rifle he could've used instead. Um, did they read the article?? Hello??

Click to read->A community college student was upset about his grades when he walked into a classroom and fired two shots at his professor before his new rifle jammed

Box Step

On my wedding day, I danced with my father. I'd never ever danced with my father before so I wanted it to go well. The song I'd selected was "Mother Father" by Musiq, which is a sweet song about thanking our parents for all they've done. It's a very simple 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3 box step kind of song. When we rehearsed it, I told my dad all he had to do was step to the beat, turn and repeat. As we danced it was clear we had the same vision in mind- stay on beat, look like we knew what we were doing, enjoy ourselves, and don't step on each other's toes! We accomplished those goals beautifully.

I am all about planning your work and working your plan. So this morning I am planning my vision and direction for 2010. Some of the things I want to focus on are personal growth, finances, Career choices (capital C makes it more grown-up), and having fun. I listed out those high-level things and then itemized various sub-areas I wanted to target by quarter. I will resist color-coding, this time. Yes, it is a sickness, but a very effective one. So anywho...

I was getting a little overwhelmed trying to sort it all out. So I wanted to "first" spend some time praying about God's perspective on those areas (after I'd already listed all of them out, mind you). But as I began to think about what to pray, suddenly I had a soft sweet daydream of myself dancing with God. He gently took my hand and He spoke to me, you haven't had a "Career" in 10 years. Why are you so bent out of shape over having one now? 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3... You haven't ever had excessive amounts of money tucked away, but you've always had enough and have enjoyed life abundantly. 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3... Yes there are some character traits that need to be worked on, but who said I think all the things that bother you are so bad? 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3... If you do get "too old" to do [fill in the blank], who said I felt [fill in the blank] was what I wanted to accomplish with your life anyway? 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1-2-3...

And suddenly I realized that the song I have playing in my head may not be the song God has in His head. So no matter how much I stay on MY beat, we wouldn't be dancing together. It was liberating. And you know, God has been dancing with me all my life. Sometimes I looked like I knew what I was doing and He smiled at me and enjoyed those moments with me. Sometimes I've stepped on His toes, but again He smiled at me and got me back on beat. And ultimately it's been beautiful.

So for 2010, I just want to dance with my Father.

Humbled

I never think about stuff like awards or recognition, mostly because I hate attention and it makes me self-conscious. I blush profusely at compliments (If you can't tell, trust me I'm sweating). At media events I've attended, I hid behind someone taller than me to avoid being in the picture; in one, only the edge of my fro-at-the-time was visible. And I recently learned to just say "Thank you [period]" instead of explaining how old my outfit is or why it's unworthy of the compliment. Yeah, I have issues!

So today when the leader of the ministry I serve in at church gave me an "Outstanding Leader Award", I was completely gobsmacked and embarrassed, frankly. In fact, there was actually an award ceremony for it last weekend that I missed. When she'd sent the invitation/email about the ceremony last week, my only thought was, "That will be good for the other people in the ministry to go to. I hope they have fun!"

And although I would normally deeply frown upon drawing even more attention to kind things people think about me, I decided to share it. I'm not going to hide my face (well I did turn away) or shush it (well I did say "Are you serious? No way!" about 3 or 4 times). The inscription reads,

"Thank you for your exceptional servant leadership, excellent team spirit, and exemplary commitment to God and His people."

That is the ultimate compliment and I am so humbled. I want to shout, "I don't deserve it! Don't you realize I screw up on a regular basis???" But I will resist and say, "Thank you [period]" Just don't throw it back in my face when I do screw up! I'm probably screwing up right now! lol

"Everything nourishes what is strong already."

After watching "You've Got Mail" for the umpteenth time, I was finally inspired to read Pride and Prejudice just to see what the big deal was for ShopGirl. I've had moments where like Tom Hank's character, Joe Fox, I rolled my eyes and tossed it to the side yet picked it up again. But I've also come across moments when I'm in awe of the thought-provoking dialog.

One particular exchange about love and romance between Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth caught my attention. They were discussing a former suitor of Elizabeth's sister and how the relationship did not exactly blossom and withered, as it were, upon the young man's attempt to woo her with poetry albeit good poetry-

"I have been used to consider poetry as the FOOD of love", said Darcy.
"Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away." [Elizabeth]

At first I thought it was funny how cynical Elizabeth was being, but truly, she had something there. I paused on that statement -"Everything nourishes what is strong already." That's insightful for many areas of life- spiritually, financially, physically, emotionally, and in relationships- romantic or otherwise. If something isn't already strong with deep roots, even something as "harmless" as love can blow it away like chaff. However, something rooted in strength and health, although it may weeble, although it may wobble, it will not fall down. And to her point, it actually should develop deeper roots and become even stronger yet. So this evening, I'm pondering how fine, stout and healthy are the foundations of my life; lest, God forbid, something come along and starve it entirely away.

If the economic winds came and blew my job away, would my finances be able to stand up against it? If a health issue were to arise, would my trust in God's faithfulness grow stronger? If my best friend suddenly stopped answering my calls, would the definition of our friendship ultimately last? And if I answer "No", to any of those questions, it's not the wind, the sickness, or my friend's fault. It's an indication that something has cracked in the foundation- in my finances, in my faith, and in our friendship.

And maybe I'm projecting a lot onto Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's passing conversation, but it's inspired me to consider and take stock- What are the fine, stout and healthy things in my life? And what are those thin inclinations that are in danger of a good sonnet? I will spare you the rest of this process, but maybe this will inspire a little inventory of your own! Hey, perhaps ShopGirl was onto something after all...

Both Awe and Consternation

Here is the second edition of Both Awe and Consternation...

First, AWE...How many of us would do this??


Wrong Number Miracle


Now Consternation...otherwise known as Twiddle Dum and Twiddle Dee



13 year old designated driver

New Discoveries

This week I discovered Twitter. And by "discover" I mean in the Christopher Columbus way. Twitter was already there and occupied. But I have made peace with the natives I think.

So my journey began when a co-worker told me about how Twitter can get you connected to the inside scoop from celebrities. Since I'd recently embarked on Facebook, I still wasn't convinced that I would need to add yet another way to have TMI on people. And especially since celebrities aren't really a community of people I spend much time thinking about, I was even less enthusiastic about making the trip. But I joined anyway.

At first I didn't even know where to start. With the question, "what celebrity do I even want to follow?" pulsing through my mind, I managed to add Jennifer Aniston and Chrisette Michele. Chrisette because her music is amazing. Aniston because I'm on team Aniston (rot Brad!) and I can kill at a game of Friends trivia. Pretty soon my list had grown from Bill Cosby to Zooey Deschenel, Q-Tip to John Mayer and back again. So what I'm still trying to wrap my mind around is, is it crazier that I suggested to Serena Williams to get a neti pot because she tweeted that she wasn't feeling well, or that I was able to do so in the first place?

I have enjoyed seeing a glimpse of how the other side lives. But you know what? Other than flying around a lot, celebrities are actually kinda regular people. Soliel Moonfrye (who will always be Punky Brewster to me) is particularly sweet and gracious. Tia and Tamara Mowry can't go 2-3 tweets without praising God for their opportunities. And Serena? Well she usually starts her day by asking "us" to tell her what we are doing that day or how work is.

So I actually feel like I've discovered a secret world of celebrityville that I didn't know about. And although I'm not by any means disillusioned into thinking Alicia Keys is my new BFF, I do feel like an insider. Who knew? There actually is gold in the new world. Me thinks perhaps I've discovered too much?

Both Awe and Consternation

Today I got the idea of documenting things I hear, read or see that will fall into either the Awe or Consternation category. I've noticed that the world never ceases to provide at least one of each on a daily basis. So I intend to make this a new "regular" for my blog. Starting with these:

AWE

US Naval Academy Performance | Kings Firecrackers
http://blip.tv/file/1816913
Army/Navy USA!


CONSTERNATION


N.C. principal leaves after cash-for-grades flap - USATODAY.com
Source: www.usatoday.com
A North Carolina principal is retiring after school district leaders halted a cash-for-grades fundraiser she approved.

Henna tat before and after

25 Things I Learned at the Texas State Fair

1) Banana Praline Waffles, 2 slices of Cheese Pizza, and 2 Midway Rides before 10:30AM do not mix well.
2) Lessons overheard from Father to Son- "Ya bett'r eat all yer food Jr. That's what the fair is 'bout. Don't you know when you leave they ask ya how many corny dogs and cotton candy ya ate and if ya didn't eat 'nough they make you go back?!" Kid didn't buy it.
3) Hot Buttered Corn drippings will spill all over your pants not matter how many napkins you have.
4) Birds at the bird show have everyone trained to believe they are trained.
5) Parrots will not sing Yankee Doodle if they don't feel like it. Yes, no matter how much you smile at them.
6) The Bald Eagle is no longer on the endangered species list. Which is a good thing since, ya know, it's just our Nation's Symbol and all.
7) There actually is a guy with a microphone headset selling Sham Wow.
8) A tiny little woman with fake eyelashes can make beautiful extraordinarily detailed embroidered pictures.
9) Dogs will freestyle dance with old ladies if the beat is right.
10) Suburbans will migrate to the train stop if it means not paying for parking.
11) The last train leaves at 8:37pm. Suburbans do not know that.
12) If you want Monarch butterflies to come into your garden, plant Milkweed because it's a host plant for Monarchs.
13) The Monarch butterfly chrysalis has a gilded edge along the top and no one knows why.
14) Male Monarch butterflies have a tiny little spot on the back of their wings.
15) All Monarch butterflies fly to the same tree in Mexico every year.
16) There's a guy at the Texas Discovery Gardens who is really passionate about Monarch butterflies.
17) People believe that when "the three hunters" finally catch up with Ursa Major "the big bear" constellation that the fat from their cooking pot and the blood from the bear's wounds pours from the sky and turns the Autumn leaves red and gold.
18) The Planetarium eerily still looks exactly the same as when I went there in elementary school.
19) Butter can be carved into an intricate Western Saloon motif complete with life-size people and a dog.
20) In 60 degree weather, a man will dive into a 10 foot pool of water from a diving platform 80 feet in the air.
21) A man who dives into a 10 foot pool of water from a diving platform 80 feet in the air will be bright red and shivering when he climbs out the pool.
22) Ford Robots can see you and crack jokes about your poncho.
23) Pigs really can fly...at least when there's an oreo cookie at the other end of the track at stake.
24) People, even Oprah, will stand in line (or in Oprah's case, have people stand in line) for Fried __________ (Fill in the Blank).
25) You will inevitably find 2 tickets at the bottom of your purse AFTER you leave the Fair.

Everyday People

Walking ...
Everyday People
Ma'am do you like poetry? No thank you...
Ma'am would you like a paper? No thank you...
Ma'am do you know God? No thank you...
Everyday People

Sitting on the bus recently previewed by Running for the bus ...
Everyday People
I sit way in the back, Coughing Man leans way back, I scoot way over...
Chimney steps on accompanied by Stove Pipe. Apparently they're buddies. C leans over to SP... Did he just ask for a light? Oh I hope not.
Coughing Man coughing ... H1N1! Oh I wish he'd stop coughing!
Coughing Man searches for a dirty tissue ...
Shove my nose deep into the crevice of my book. Take a deep breath. Can't hold it much longer.
Coughing Man still coughing. Final Stop...at last! Leap to my feet
Man in front of me; What's that smell?
Man in front of me; What smells like vomit?
Man in Front of Me...
Everyday People

Walking with headphones on...
Everyday People
Everyone sounds like Erykah Badu
Man I'm Ignoring sounds like Erykah Badu
Man I'm Ignoring now waving at me sounds like Erykah Badu
Red light sounds like Erykah Badu
Little White Walking Man signal sounds like Erykah Badu
Door to building sounds like Janet Jackson now
Receptionist sounds like Janet Jackson too. Janet says, "Good Afternoon Miss ------ ." Nod hello to Mr. Janet Jackson.
Everyday People

Thoughts- Same thing tomorrow
These are my E-v-e-r-y-d-a-y P-e-o-p-l-e

Yay God for Fall!

Don't you just love the way Fall smells? It's my absolute favorite time of the year. There's just something about breathing in the cool crispness and the way your ears tingle after a brisk walk. It's Fall and Fall means lots of cool things. So here's my top 10 favorite things about Fall ala David Letterman:

10) A big bowl of chili with cheese and oyster crackers
9) Hiding your face under the covers because it doesn't count as morning if it's still dark out
8) Noticing from the turning leaves, how many shades of red have been missing from your life
7) Oatmeal
6) The warm courtesy air that blows on you when you first walk into a building
5) My favorite red knit beanie with the little knot on top
4) Not shaving your legs
3) Wearing oversized comfy sweaters and baggy pants that hide the fact you haven't shaved your legs
2) Knee-high leather boots which also hide the fact that you haven't shaved your legs
1) Going to the Fair and eating two ears of hot buttered corn!!

I love the Fall! Yay God for Fall!

In Today's Adventure - DART

Our fearless she-ro (someone I know HATES that word! tee hee) expands her urban living experience into her work commute. We find her anxiously awaiting part 1 of the 2 bus ride to work. After equipping her "please leave me alone" smile-shield in an effort to defeat the villainous cat-callers, she gingerly steps onto the bus trying to look cool, like she does this all the time. But then her secret identity is quickly uncovered when the bus driver loudly informs her that she is sticking her bus pass in the wrong device reader. DRAT, FOILED AGAIN!  Scoping out her fellow commuters, she evaluates future weapons to aide her in her adventures. "Shall I spend all the money I'm going to save by riding the bus, and buy a Kindle to entertain myself? Should I invest in good headphones like the lady whose bright red Princess Leia-worthy musical ear cuffs just scream, "I do NOT want to be bothered with y'all today!". Such advanced weaponry to fight off the commuter fiends! Much to be considered...

 

~Next Page~

Next we find our heroine has safely arrived at the transit center. Part 1 is over. But unfortunately she embarrasses herself further (although she played it off really well) when she walked past the bus hub even though she'd already scoped it out the night before. Donning her, "I meant to do that" deflector hair flip, she turns around and plops on an empty bench realizing her part 2 bus that was to leave at 8:07 had indeed just left at 8:07. DOUBLE DRAT! But wait, what's that in the distance? Huzzah! Our heroine sees arriving over the concrete horizon, the next bus! What luck....our adventure continues.

 

~Lsst Page~

The rest of the way to work, her resumed incognito "I do this all the time" disguise remains intact. JUST THEN, she exits the bus and walks across the parking lot. Now realizing that the most harrowing leg of her commute is managing to get inside the building, she makes one fatal turn and walks through a cloud of toxic smokers behind the back of the building. COUGH! COUGH! Has her journey ended after she's come so far?! COUGH! COUGH! Will the Pottery Barn doors open in time for her to escape the fumes?? Has everything come to an end??? Oh no!

Tune in tomorrow to find out if our heroine actually made it to work! And what happens to her when she DUN DUN DUN tries to take the bus back home again! ... DUN DUN!

 

This is definitely one of THOSE mornings

Read Other Post First
...Rounding the corner I didn't notice the Michael Kors display. The valet guys faded into the background and the only thoughts running through my mind were "Wow I feel like a brat! Skipping around appreciating mochas, you should try to help him!..Does he even want a breakfast taco? While you're contemplating turning back he's probably thinking up a sneak attack right now...where's your pepper spray?...Venita stop it, he's not going to attack you he's just hungry."

I stop, feel bad, keep walking, stop again, but keep walking and look at my feet as I slowly drag them up the entry steps. I quickly avoid the front desk guy's eyes because I just KNOW he KNOWS I didn't give the homeless guy a breakfast taco, get in the elevator and let each beep of the floor tell me how terrible I am (26 beeps). Back at home, I sit on the couch close my eyes and ponder- I used to be more carelessly brave about sharing my God with other people. I used to not let fear keep me from giving a hungry man something to eat. I wish I could write that I bounded off the couch, rushed back to the cafe and ordered another taco and with stern concentration did not rest until I sought out that homeless man to give it to him. Instead I sat on my couch, blogged to you guys about it, told God "thanks" for all my blessings, and realize that He is the one who did a sneak attack on me. Not to invoke guilt, but to smile on me and make me think about the things that really matter. So I will probably spend the rest of today thinking about where I could be giving back the things I enjoy the most about Him; whether it's His love, His resources, or His gifts. This is definitely one of THOSE mornings.

One of THOSE Mornings! Yippee!

This morning is one of those mornings I don't feel rushed. I savor these mornings. I woke up when my eyes decided to open not because an alarm beat me into submission. I try to remember what the heck I was just dreaming about, give up, turn over a few more times, then waddle around assessing what kind of day this is going to be. And with delight I realized, it's going to be one of THOSE mornings! Yippee! That means I can brush my teeth (barely), shake my hair out, rub the sleep out of my eyes, decide "do I really want to put on make-up today?" NAH...throw on some clothes and walk to the cafe a block away. It's one of those mornings when I can say it's just going to be me and God today, hanging out, enjoying each other...

It feels like everything is slower. Even skipping down the entry stairs and waving good morning to the front desk guy seems peaceful. Even keeping my finger on my pepper spray trigger as I rounded the corner almost didn't seem as necessary...almost (I mean come on, peaceful but not unaware!).

Rounding the corner means getting to check out the new Michael Kors window display at Neiman Marcus along the way... "I could pull that off!" or "That color is just too bright for me", but "oooh that is so chic!" It was a "Breakfast at Tiffanys" kind of moment. Admiring the hotel valet guys as they run back and forth to the parking garage, looking at the sun bring out the architectural details of the buildings above me and hearing the "swish swish" of my flip flops down the sidewalk washed away the random thoughts that are usually running through my head.

Arriving at the cafe, Patrick proudly tells me he's been perfecting my white chocolate mocha. So as I sit there and watch him, with stern concentration, fluff up the milk foam and add another squirt of chocolate, I again savor, AHHHH it's one of THOSE mornings. Skillfully avoiding Patrick's flirting, grabbing my "no meat please" breakfast taco and already cooled to sipping perfection mocha, I walk back enjoying the warm happiness now sitting in my stomach.

On the way back I see a man looking for his "white chocolate mocha and breakfast taco" in the corner trash can. We make eye contact, he wishes me good morning and I wish him good morning back. Suddenly I'm that much more appreciative of having one of THOSE mornings.

Starting From Scratch

So guess what? My laptop died...AGAIN!! I just got it back today. I'm beginning to wonder if my old laptop got jealous and put a hex on my new one...c'est la vie

In the meantime I've been keeping pretty busy. Although I did experience a couple of totally boring evenings, I think I've done more in the past few weeks than I'd done all year. In fact, I should probably slow it down a bit. Neither my budget nor my stamina appreciates the vigor. Some days have been lower than low. Others have been...strange. And others yet have been pure joy. All in all, it's been interesting.

But tonight my mind is on deeper things than keeping my social calendar full. Tonight I'm pondering what I truly want to do with my life. I'd written before that if on my death bed I look back and know that I tried all the things that interest me, I would feel I'd lead a satisfying life. But today I have a feeling that there's more to my existence than that. For example, my very good friend is a wonder. She's a fabulous single mom, 15 weeks away from getting her Masters, mentors young women and actually has something called "career goals". Her life is very well rounded. And not to compare, but my life is kinda pointy, very uneven and I feel I'm very much behind the curve. Surely I could be doing more...not more quantity, but more quality.

Three years ago I felt my life had a clear plan and purpose. I'd set my goals, worked towards them and felt like I was on the right track. But lately I've been reevaluating the track. A lot of my time, tears, and energy were spent chasing the desire to be a good wife and mom. Correction, my goal was to be an excellent wife and mom. Motivated by that desire, I too seemed a wonder. I was going places with a lot to offer. But now because of life-changes, I have an opportunity to consider why I was on that track to begin with. What if I don't want to have kids someday? That kinda unravels a lot of work I'd put into the past 10 years of my life. This moment is surreal. It's like living in a house for many years- well appointed, maybe a few signs of wear and tear, but familiar. Then suddenly, you open a door and find your foot dangling into an empty world of white walls. And that's when it hits you- "Damn, I'm starting from scratch."

What kind of design do I want the rest of my life to reflect? Is it traditional? Modern? or Eclectic? Do I want to go for the minimalist feel or comfy casual? Do I even want to share it with any "significant" other (grown up or miniature)? It's all a very daunting thing. Sometimes I'm told by those whose gaze drifts away into the distance as though envisioning their own empty world of white, how brave and fantastic a blank slate would be. The mixture of pain and longing in their eyes makes me wince and appreciate my opportunity. But sometimes I look into the eyes of those who are settled in, like my friend. Most of their boxes and baggage are unpacked and they're very comfortable living their lives. Then my gaze drifts back to the well-appointed house I'd worked so hard to establish and there's pain and longing in my own eyes.

Nevertheless, here I am. I need to spend some time really figuring out if I need to tear down some walls, redesign and go for a totally different space. Or if I just need to move into a new place and rebuild on the same framework. So the walls aren't exactly blank. They've just been painted over. However, starting over doesn't come with the luxury of primer! There's still some remnant of the life I'd planned for myself. I have to be true to that. But I'm hoping that whatever design I finally settle on, I can live with it. At least for a little while...

Do what the monkey says!!

These are my slippers. They are monkeys. They make me laugh. They make me laugh because they are monkeys.

But they also have magical powers. Whenever I don't get my way, I lift one foot in the air, scream "Do what the monkey says!" and I win. I win because they make other people laugh. While they are laughing, I get my way.

I love my slippers.

Take Time to Smell the Sheets

I'm just so excited right now about the opportunities in my life. I'm reconnecting with friends and filling my calendar with activities. For example, Friday night I watched The Princess Bride at the Nasher Sculpture Center. It is one of my FAVORITE movies! You have to have an "inconceivable!" sense of humor to enjoy The Princess Bride. (FYI- Nasher plays movies outdoors in the garden during the summer for free. All you do is grab a blanket and/or pillow, a light meal, and enjoy cinema al fresco. Look into it. Cheap date tip #9! Works well for 1 or a party...) I'd been looking forward to it all week. It was such a lovely evening- shoes off, feeling the grass on my toes, laying on the blanket, gentle breeze, a few stars fighting through the downtown lights and treetops... What peace! I have not stopped smiling!

It's so great getting plugged back into the things that bring me joy. Even doing the laundry today had a sense of oneness (Say what!? Now, that's just crazy talk!). Truly, it grounded me in the moment. A kind of "slow down and smell the sheets" thing. And I did. They're warm and soft and smell like teddy bears bouncing on clouds from some reason... But anyway, it meant there's plenty of time for life, success, failures, and the laundry.

With tuppence for paper and strings...

This pic is of the butterfly kite I just ordered and I'm absolutely giddy over going to fly it somewhere soon. Mostly because of all the promise flying a kite brings. Mr. Banks, Bert and the Londoners put it aptly:

With tuppence for paper and strings
You can have your own set of wings
With your feet on the ground
You're a bird in a flight
With your fist holding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Oh, let's go fly a kite!

When you send it flyin' up there
All at once you're lighter than air
You can dance on the breeze
Over 'ouses and trees
With your first 'olding tight
To the string of your kite

Oh, oh, oh!
Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height!
Let's go fly a kite and send it soaring
Up through the atmosphere
Up where the air is clear
Let's go fly a kite!

That first verse just does something in your gut. It makes you feel like you can do anything...with your fist holding tight...! I never thought about the therapeutic benefits of kite-flying before, but I'm willing to bet that a lot of today's ills can be solved by it. I mean really, there's just something about running like mad (without watching where you're going no less) hoping, praying, wishing for the wind to catch your kite just so. And then the peace that washes over you when you look back and see your kite dancing in the sky. Because what it's really saying is with perseverance, a little child-like wonderment, and God smiling on you, you can accomplish something fantastic.

But oh, just remember to stay away from kite-eating trees!

Coming Out of Blog Hiding

My late Pastor once said that change doesn't happen until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of changing. Recently that scale tipped for me.

And so, I've been hiding from my blog. I've been hiding because I made a major life-changing decision that was profoundly difficult and very painful. It impacted people I care about and respect. And although I am still working through that bitter reality for myself, at this point all I can do is face those who may be hurt, disappointed, angry or confused and say I'm sorry.

I tried very hard to keep the scale balanced. But eventually it reached the point of "rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic"-status. So rather than continuing to hide from the seemingly judgmental eyes of my former posts, the goal of this post is to provide resolution, not understanding. The goal of this post is to face this, mark this, but keep it moving. The goal of this post, like David in 2 Samuel 12, is to get up from the ground, wash, put on lotions, and change my clothes.

And I will continue to Revive...

A Fish Called Tippy

About 10 years ago, I bought a goldfish from the local pet store. I picked her because she had a beautiful long tail and she seemed to be content...well, as content as you can be for a goldfish at the pet store! When I brought her home, I noticed she had a funny little habit of tipping over whenever she stopped swimming. Most times, she was upright and fine. But when she stopped swimming she would tip over on her nose. I thought it was cute and decided to name her Tippy.

One day I was either reading something about fish or watching a program about fish and it mentioned that when fish have a swim bladder infection (the swim bladder is what helps a fish keep their balance in the water) they lose their sense of balance and will either turn completely upside down or tip over. Which would be similar to when a person has vertigo or an inner-ear infection. I was mortified. At that moment I realized that my fish wasn't being cute, she was sick. And I felt so horrible that I'd named her something based on her illness. Immediately I rushed to the pet store to buy medicine for my poor fish. After a few drops and a few days, Tippy didn't tip over anymore.

Recently, I've discovered a kind of swim bladder infection of my own. I'd thought some of my patterns, behaviors, tendencies and habits were just part of my personality and quirks. But when I really looked at the issue and identified the root of the problem, I had the same heart-wrenching realization I'd experienced with Tippy. It's a sobering thing to look at yourself with new eyes. When you recognize that the perception you had of yourself was based on misreading the signs, and that you viewed your history through eyes that couldn't see clearly, it can make you a little off-balance.

Some of you may have heard of Jenny McCarthy's experience with her autistic son, Austin. She'd talked about the first time the doctor revealed to her that her son's habits and tendencies were actually displays of autism. When she heard that, she said she suddenly couldn't see her little boy anymore. All she saw was the autism. The little things she thought were cute- how he would repeat things, how he lined up his toys, and other habits, were suddenly scary to her. I can relate to that. Not to say that I know the pain and confusion of realizing a child has an illness and feeling helpless to do anything about it. But I know the pain and confusion of feeling helpless and trying to understand who you now are in spite of something that's not quite right.

Seeing the horror in Jenny's eyes, the doctor grabbed her by the hands, made her look him in the eyes and firmly told her- he's still your son. After Tippy got better, she was still Tippy- my goldfish with the long beautiful tail. Venita, you are still Venita. And just now my wonderful husband walked in to tell me he will help me work through this and that he loves me. I hope I can see again who he sees.

The Second Time Around - Celibate, Table for One Part III of III

Two Sundays ago, my husband and I plus all the other couples at our church, renewed our vows. Since the first time around was such a whirlwind because I planned and executed our wedding, I didn't really get a chance to savor the moment of exchanging vows. Even the lady we got to do our cake took a moment to tell me to stop running around on my wedding day!

But for the vow renewal, I came prepared. I pulled my veil out of the closet and wore it for the ceremony. This time I wanted to focus on nothing but my husband and every word I committed to him. It was such a touching moment for us. One that we will treasure as much as the first time. Except we didn't dance a tango afterwards!

So with that being said, I am posting the last installment of Celibate, Table for One.

Breaking-up sucks
So God was proud of me, but my heart still hurt. I wanted my sweet Baby back. Words of encouragement from friends fell flat. I didn’t want to hear about how this one guy broke up with his girlfriend and then 15 years later, they got back together, yay! :-| . I didn’t want to hear about someone being broken up with 3 different times over the issue of celibacy and how the first guy ended up getting engaged to someone else a week after he’d broken up with her, yay! oh goody! :-| . And I surely didn’t want to hear those who, with a tone in their voice and disgusted look as though I had green slime on my face, asked, “It was THAT important to you that you let him go? You weren’t trying to be celibate before so why is it so important now?” Followed by, “Well, I guess. If that’s what you want...” :-| . Did I want my boyfriend to break-up with me? Of course not!

It was easy for people to tell me that God had the best for me in the next guy, but that was what they’d said last time. I wanted someone to tell me that I wouldn’t have to say good-bye to The Best anymore and no one was doing that. My heart was fragile and I was tired of breaking-up. I could have felt animosity towards THE CELIBACY, as though it was some sort of disease that I chose to have. But surprisingly, I didn’t. Instead I could only embrace it. I knew that it protected me and gave me the strength I needed to please God. I reclaimed so many things because of my celibacy. I had the peace of mind to know that he loved me because of me. I didn’t have to go through life wondering if he still respected me after letting the hunter catch his prey. I had the courage to stand up and not compromise on my values. I know that it allowed me to enjoy my relationship with open eyes and clearly evaluate his character as a potential life-mate and not be clouded by the blinders that often come up after sex. He cherished me and everyone could see it. Celibacy freed me up to see the difference between the types of love- Godlike-love, friendship-love and sexual-love – and the importance and proper place of all three in a relationship.

Before celibacy, I’d lost my right to stand in confidence through righteousness. Doubt was allowed to roam in and out of my heart because I was not standing in God’s will. Those relationships trained me to use sex as a way for spending time together. It trained me to compromise on other values and my self-respect. It sent a personal invitation to many things that I’d always said, “I would never...” to. I’d tasted a pinch of Godlike-love mixed with sexual-love; or a cup of friendship-love and a pound of sexual-love; or a dash of all three. In celibacy I had a heaping of Godlike-love and a heaping of friendship-love and I could smell the aroma of sexual love baking in the oven and I was sitting at the table ready to eat!

So the moral of the story is, now I understand why it was hard for him. Now I understand and will remember that God loves me. Now I understand that I wouldn’t trade celibacy for what I had before. And so, my man and I got back together and we never broke up again and everything is wonderful now. :-| . Yes, I understand. No, he’s not back. But everything is still wonderful. The moral of the story is I’m still a victorious Rocky Balboa because I took yesterday to change today, and I’m using today to make a worthwhile tomorrow. And I will rinse and repeat. Celibacy isn’t my reservation for life-long loneliness. It just sets me apart from the crowd. It marks me with a seal that says, “You have to be a real man to handle this. Wimps need not apply.” So I sit here alone at my table for one, with two chairs and the aroma of a tasty dish wafting from the kitchen. All I can say is, “Bring it on!"

So the surprise twist ending I hinted about in the first installment is...this was written about my NOW husband and I the first time we dated. At the time I wrote this I didn't know the end of our story. Several years later, we reconnected and started dating again. The second time around he was able to join me on the journey and committed to staying celibate until our wedding night. In the end, the sacrifice, the heartache, and the maturity we developed in our experience gave us the security in our relationship we both enjoy. It certainly wasn't easy, but it is continuing to be worth it. Sometimes it isn't until the second time around that you really get to enjoy it.

Moments with Daddy

Few things are more precious to a daughter than private moments shared with her father. One of my fondest moments was waking up in the middle of the night to find my father having a midnight snack of sardines slathered with Tabasco sauce and a stack of crackers nearby. Although I never admitted that I didn't really care for the salty fishies, I just enjoyed having that moment eating sardines and crackers with my dad. So much so, he often would invite me to join him and I would just go along with it to have our special time together.

Another favorite memory was one day when my father discovered I had come across and enjoyed listening to his Keb' Mo' CD. That summer Keb' Mo' came to town and Dad bought tickets for us to see him perform live. We went on our date to the Angelica theatre and had a great time! One of my favorite Keb' Mo' songs is Lullaby Baby Blues. I vowed to learn the song so I could sing it to my children one day. Back in the days before Lyrics.com existed, I just listened to the CD over and over again until I'd gotten all the words. I came across that scrap of paper that I'd used to scratch out the lyrics today while cleaning up. So I wanted to share the song and lyrics with you.

So this is dedicated to my moments with Daddy...


Lullaby baby blues
time to kick off your walking shoes
and hug the pillow on your bed
and lay down your sleepy head

Hush now no need to talk
hear the ticking of the clock
stars that twinkle, stars that shine
dream and you'll have wings to fly

Goodnight baby blues
close your eyes baby blues
the moonlit sky watches over you
so close your eyes, baby blues

Lullaby baby blues
time to kick off your walking shoes
and hug the pillow on your bed
and lay down your sleepy head

Goodnight baby blues
close your eyes, baby blues
the moonlit sky watches over you
so close your eyes, baby blues
close your eyes, baby blues, baby blues

Funny what you can find in the bottom of a box

So we're in the process of moving. Step 1 was shred all papers that are too old and faded to keep. Step 2 was clean out the garage and get rid of moldy smelling items. Somewhere between Step 1 and 2 I came across a box in the garage that had a few little keepsakes that gave me a giggle so I saved them from the shredder. I figured I'd share...

One of them was 26 Things To Do in an Elevator. And no, I did not come up with these but my sick humor finds them hilarious.

1) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
2) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
3) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
4) Leave a box in a corner and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something ticking.
5) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
6) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
7) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
8) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic. They'll open up again."
9) Swat at flies that don't exist.
10) Tell people that you can see their aura.
11) Call out, "Group Hug!" and enforce it.
12) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up. All of you. Just Shut Up!!"
13) Crack open your briefcase or purse and while peering inside, say "Got enough air in there?"
14) Stand silently and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM." and back away slowly.
16) Wear a puppet on your hand, and use it to talk to the other passengers.
17) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
18) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
19) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
20) Stare grinning at another passenger for awhile then announce, "I have new socks on!"
21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "The is MY personal space!!"
22) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
23) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
24) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
25) Hold the doors open and say that you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and and say, "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"
26) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream "That's mine!"

I will not be held responsible if you choose to do any of the above. But I hope one day I can be brave enough to try just one!

Control-Freaking Out

Hello, my name is Venita and I'm a control freak.
Hello Venita!

In case you haven't noticed, it's been almost a month since I posted anything on my blog. It would be easier to say that it's because my life has been so boring these past 30 days that I haven't had anything to write about. How I wish that were true!

In fact, more stuff has been happening than I can keep up with. Good things, but none the less, not things that have provided me the luxury of keeping all my plates spinning in the air. In fact, I feel a little wobbly myself. And as a control freak, it's really perturbing to me!

But I'm going to do something out of character and see if I survive. I'm going to *DEEP BREATH* LET - IT - GO *EXHALE*

I'm not going to have a melt down because I'm not on top of everything right now. I'm not going to feel guilty because I haven't posted anything since April 21st. I'm not going to even think about how we have exactly 64 days to move, or that the ministry I'm working with thrust greatness upon me totally unexpectedly, or that work has been picking up steam, or that I have to buy my nephew a birthday present, my brother a congratulations on your graduation card or that the dust bunnies in our bedroom have appendages and can now move...*HYPER VENTILATE* and *EXHALE*

But it's cool...I'm not going to even think about any of that stuff.

WILL WORK FOR TOYS

If you haven't seen the movie, "The Bucket List", it's truly an inspiring movie. I wasn't too excited about seeing it when it was in the theaters. Mostly because if I had a choice to watch Adam Rodriguez ala CSI Miami for an hour versus crusty Jack Nicolson and Morgan Freeman for two hours, I'd pick CSI Miami. But thanks to Netflix, you don't have to compromise. It came last week and it was so fun.

What I took away from the movie is affirmation of the way I desire to live my life- if I want to know how something works, how to do something, or just get the idea, "hmm I wonder what that's like", I do it. I'm not driven by career or accumulating wealth. I'm driven by curiosity. I really only work to pay for my toys and adventures. I have closets literally and figuratively full of stuff I've tried. If I liked it, it stayed around. If I didn't, eh whatever, now I know. As a matter of fact, in my line of vision is my cello (which I still love, I just don't have the patience for) leaning in the corner, which is next to my bread maker (which was pretty useful actually), and out the window are my gardening supplies (which was pretty fun until the grubs ate my corn stalks) on the balcony. But hey, now I know. And yeah, you don't want to come over. It's pretty junky around here! LOL!

I've recently learned to love that about myself rather than be disappointed in how quickly I get bored. Some might call it flaky. I just call it me. At the end of my life, I want to say I satisfied my curiosity.

So The Bucket List inspired me to keep it up. Instead of waiting until you're about to die to realize you're alive, live now! Life is for the living.

Sarah Connor

I've loved motorcycles ever since I was a little girl. In fact, when I recently broke the news to my parents that I intend to finally get one and my father practically had a heart attack from the news, my mother had to remind him how I've wanted a motorcycle instead of a car even before I got my driver's permit! So it's no surprise that I would still want one. And I have found IT. THE bike.

Now, when I was little, I thought there was nothing better than a Hog. So I mean no disrespect to the Harley-Davidson gods...But right now there is nothing better than a Yamaha Raider S. And I just found out today that they make one in a color called Liquid Silver. *drool* It has totally changed my whole outlook on the custom paint job I wanted to get- Dark purple with a fade to black and a neon green EKG down the middle emphasizing the "V". Instead, the manufacturer's Liquid Silver might just be enough for me. And so, I intend to name her "Sarah Connor". *Choir Sings*

My only obstacle at the moment from getting "Sarah Connor" *Choir Sings* is my husband. He suffers from the same mistake that my parents did long ago; that I should get a car rather than a motorcycle. Well, I was a little kid back then. I didn't have a choice. But this time around, I'm grown. I'm getting my bike!

This Christmas, Momma wants leathers.

One more time for good measure- "Sarah Connor" *Choir Sings*

Isn't she pretty?!

Still here

What a tangled web we weave when once we practice to pass our Real Estate Broker's exam....or something like that.

So I've been MIA from REV1VE for awhile. Sorry about the delay. I needed to concentrate on knocking out my broker's test and I did! YAY! Plus lots of other things have had my mental attention. So quickly the weeks can go by.

I promise something is coming soon. I hope!

-V

Grapples- God's Eden and Eves' Desire

When I was at the grocery store the other day, I smelled the strong aroma of grapes coming from what looked like a pile of apples. Upon closer examination, they were not apples. They were GRAPPLES- apples that tasted like grapes. Obviously some mad scientist decided this was something needed for those who want the convenience of grapes in apple form, I'm guessing. But instead of appearing desirable to me, I stood for a moment with a look of horror on my face not wanting to have anything to do with the grapple. In disgust, I pushed my cart away mumbling "that's just not natural!"

That grocery store moment meant nothing to me until weeks later when I was pouring my heart out to my diary. I was rambling on like I usually do until my thoughts begin to align and focus. My mind started to think about being content with what God gives you and then on to Eve and that transitional moment in Genesis, Chapter 3. I concluded that being dissatisfied in the things God has freely given you is an open invitation to be tempted by the things God says No to...Eh, simple, but empty. So although I ended the entry in my diary, I still had a nagging feeling that I hadn't really seen the whole picture.

A month later, I was awakened at 6am to look at it again. Because of the sorrow that that moment in time brought into the world, I think Eve doesn't garner much empathy. But today, I think I understand her a little bit. I'd like to share this perspective on her desire. So, I want to look at God's Eden and Eves' Desire.

God's Eden
God planted a garden. And in it He provided everything His creation called "man" needed; not just for food, but for vocation, pleasure, and enjoying life. And not just bland stuff, but pleasing and good stuff. That was their world. He expected them to live a satisfying life and be fruitful in what they do. And He was footing the bill- He provided it all. Sounds like a pretty cushy gig to me! But then there was this tree...

I always thought it a peculiar name- The Tree of THE KNOWLEDGE of GOOD AND EVIL. What does that mean anyway? I'm strongly resisting providing a full blown exegesis (fancy seminary word for "way too much detail") about Trees and Fruit etc. But I did want to break it down a little bit.

Knowledge is an intimacy of understanding. It's knowing something so well that it becomes tangled up in who you are. In fact, a euphemism for sex in the bible is to "know" your spouse. It's about intimacy. Knowing your wife is knowing every inch of her- her body, her thoughts, every way she moves, every way she can hurt you, every way she can bring you joy; it becomes all wrapped up inside of you until you can't separate the two from one another. That's true knowledge, true intimacy. So this was a tree whose fruit wasn't going to go in one end and out the other. It was going to become a part of you.

Then there's the good and evil part. The fruit of this tree wasn't from a tree that produced some good pieces and some evil pieces of fruit and Eve accidentally picked an evil piece. It was a fruit with good and evil all mixed up together. It was a grapple. It might taste like a grape, but it crunched like an apple. There was good to an extent, but evil would always be right there with it.

Now, where was this tree? Was it in a super-secret safe with secret service men guarding it? Was it tucked away in a deep deep part of the garden that you had to go on a "Lord of the Rings" trek to find "the precious"? No. It was in plain view in the middle of the garden. There was no point of distance you could get away from it that was not equal to another. And for that matter, it wasn't a tree they accidentally stumbled upon one day. God told Adam and therefore Eve indirectly about the tree, where it was, what it was next to, and its consequence- death. There was one other key detail, but we'll get to that later.

Ok, so we understand what we're dealing with here in the garden. Let's take a look at Eves' desire.

Eves' Desire
Eve had a hunger for something that she determined she wasn't getting from God's provision. God had already declared that the fruit of the trees in Eden were pleasing to the eye and good for food. So Eve's initial observations of the Good/Evil tree wasn't the bad thing God hadn't provided. What she saw extra in that fruit was wisdom. God didn't say that. Wisdom was something she hungered for in the midst of Eden. And that's the kicker. This is the equivalent of making the rounds at an all you can eat buffet, ala Golden Corral but much much better, then scratching your bloated belly and saying, hmm, I'm still hungry.

What wisdom was so important to Eve that she would take such a gamble? Dunno. But despite knowing there would be good and evil in her decision, she was willing to risk death if the serpent was indeed lying. That is a strong desire. That missing piece in her life was overwhelmingly stronger than all the other trees in Eden for Eve. By reaching out for the fruit, she gave up everything else. Wow.

Now before we begin to look down on Eve, hers really was not a unique situation to be in despite the obvious uniquenesses (ie talking serpents). I'd venture to guess that most people have had a similar moment to deal with (sans talking serpents). It's a life-changing cross-roads. The moment between WHEN and THEN. Do I take the evil with the good knowing God has said No, and not only No, but that you will die (serious serious consequence). Or do I trust that my hunger can be satisfied in literally every other thing He's freely given?

So that's not a typo in my title. When I say Eves' desire I'm talking about the legacy of women who decended from her. All of us women. The legacy of Eve was fruitful in that all women, I believe, continue to face that choice. I have desires that attempt to pull me away. I could try and break that legacy for myself; that my children would not have the hunger. Am I strong enough? I am. But some desires will cause you to look in the mirror and say, "I don’t know if I WANT to be strong enough. I want the knowledge of my desire.".

That desire is strong and it could be many things to different women- education, career ambitions, financial wealth, a perfect body, another man. Whatever it is, they consider that by giving up that thing, they are resigning themselves to a miserable life without it. So they take Eve's gamble too.

My Eden is the life that God has given me. I'm surrounded by trees that are pleasing to the eye and good for food. The Tree of Marriage, The budding Tree of Children, The Tree of Trust, The Tree of Security (not just monetarily, but emotionally), The Tree of Good Family Relationships. But I have hungers. Primarily I hunger for passion- passion for living. Sure my Eden has passion in it, but is it the passion I want? There is a tree in my garden that bears fruit that is pleasing to the eye and good for “food”; But I also believe that it is desirable for gaining my passion.

There is some good mixed in with the evil of that tree, but it will forever leave me hungry for everything else I’d already had- life. Because it's not just the piece of fruit, it’s the seeds; it's the fruitfulness; it’s the THEN. The then is cursed! Sacrifices are made and things change. I may have all the things that I thought would mean a more passionate life (good), but they would be cursed (evil).

When and Then
"Genesis 3:6 WHEN the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 THEN the eyes of both of them were opened..." NIV, emphasis added.

WHEN set that moment in time apart from all the other moments. Eve was alone in that moment. Not alone in the sense that no other being was with her, but she had solitary focus. It was a tunnel vision moment that Eve looked at the tree, saw the fruit and acted on it. First she saw, which implies she had observed it, assessed it, thought it over. She took, which implies she reached out and grabbed it. She ate, therefore she consumed it. Each of those steps provided a stop gap to go no further. But at the moment of consumption, there's only THEN.

I saw, I reached out and took some, felt it in my hands, caressed the fruit's fleshy skin, felt the firmness, but I haven’t eaten it. There is the choice we all face- Leave Eden knowing that life will be harder or stay in Eden with hunger. I could fill my belly on all the other foods and control my hunger even though my belly rumbles for passion. Or I can consume all the passion I want and hunger for the well-balanced meal. I would rob myself of the nutritious balance. I may survive, but I won't be healthy. If I look to my vegetarianism- there are tastes that I miss, that I grew up with, that I enjoyed, but I have managed to control my physical hungers for those things. It's my emotional hungers that I have not mastered. I need to satisfy my hunger for passion in the things God has given me. But how? If I already had passion in those things, I wouldn't hunger! Therein is the struggle. There is a tree in all of our gardens. We gaze upon it, daydream about it, and believe it will be desireable for (blank). But there is also the Tree of Life.

The Tree of Life
The other key detail was that the Tree of Life was right next to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. It was always right there. There are several representative Trees of Life in the bible which is worth a study some time. Our primary exmple is Jesus. Jesus is a Tree of Life who's fruit is available for the grabbing and always right there beside those Good/Evil trees.

I always wondered why she didn't eat from the Tree of Life instead. Her desire for wisdom caused a knowledge of good and evil for all mankind. So ladies, if you're at a WHEN moment, reach for Life. Stay in Eden. Grapples aren't natural!

By the way, Adams are hungry too...He also ate.

-V

Embracing Eiryn Gitt

Some of you may or may not have noticed a scrolling slide show of artwork at the bottom of my blog. Well, in case you were wondering, I drew them! Before I began writing, I got out my excess thoughts onto paper through colored chalk and charcoal. I prefer chalk over other mediums because it's very forgiving and it lets me touch my art and blend myself into the colors. Dirty nails and streaks on my face were pretty typical during those times.

Eiryn Gitt was the pseudonym I used for my art work. It's actually an anagram of the word "integrity". Embracing Integrity. That's what I wanted my art to be about- plain old honest expression, not necessarilly perfect looking. So I won't pretend to think I'm some great artist. It's just a means of expression for me in a tactile way. Although I can do okay work if I'm in a patient mood. I was able to sell a few prints and one of my pieces, "Mary" won an art contest and was on display at Northpark Mall in Dallas a few years back (For non-local folks, Northpark is part mall, part art museum and every year they host various art exhibits and contests). Right now my easel amounts to three dismantled sticks leaning in the closet, but that's okay. I might pick it back up again one day.

Anyway, I wanted to share one more drawing I'd done that's not in the slide show. It is a portrait of my husband I'd given him as a Christmas present when we first started dating. He has the most beautiful eyes, but I drew them closed because I am mesmerized by the gorgeous eyelashes he gets from his mother. He'd kept it even during the "lost time" when we weren't together for some years. Now it hangs in our home. I know.....AWWWWW. :o)

Celibate, Table for One Part II of III

Wow, I didn't realize I haven't posted anything since my birthday. It took a little while for my new laptop to arrive and to finally get my old files onto my new one. So sorry for the delay. I'm working on another observation that hasn't become fully grown yet, so in the meantime, I'll post part II of III...Celibate, Table for One the saga continues! See previous post to catch up.

Anger with Him- My Life, the situation comedy
In the midst of my anger with him, I became angry with God. I asked Him if my love life was some kind of situation comedy for the angel’s amusement. I felt He had betrayed me when all I wanted to do was love Him. I skimmed through my diary and recounted all the times where I’d ooo-ed and aww-ed over a new guy in my life. Once even ending the passage with, “I really hope I don’t read this a year from now and roll my eyes.” Sure enough, I did. And then with my great new guy, I hesitantly wrote, “It seems as though whenever I log a new guy in you, it dooms the relationship, but I’ll take the risk again and see what happens.” ... I looked towards heaven and said, “You have GOT to be kidding me.”


I had accused God of cruel and unusual punishment and not being able to hold up His end of a bargain. I wanted to build my case, so I flipped back to the beginning of my diary and began to read so I could show Him all the ways He’d been so cruel to me. As I read, I saw this new baby in Christ writing about how much she was growing to love God. She talked about leading someone to Christ for the first time and about praying out loud in front of people. She talked about how much better she felt about her life. She wrote of great testimonies of God’s provision. And as she grew, more serious things became embedded in her writings- deep things in her life that she needed to change, and where she had felt pain and heartache. She talked about who she was becoming in the Lord and how He’d been there to hold her when she cried. And as I read I could feel that God did not find her life to be a joke at all. I knew He took it seriously that I was hurting. I knew He appreciated that I did not compromise my love for Him this time when I had before. He showed me how much I’d grown. He showed me how my responses to tough situations had matured. He let me know that He still and will always love me and that I’d grown into a beautiful woman. He assured me that yes, I’d done it right and He was proud of me for doing so. I apologized and He forgave me. The case was closed.

Forgiving
It wasn’t until I decided to forgive him that I began to understand. Celibacy, for me, was a shiny gold crown I wore proudly with big sparkling diamonds. I was so happy that I was doing this for God and as I saw the benefits, I started doing it for myself too and it wasn’t a struggle anymore. For him, I think, it was this looming shadow that followed us around- one that he wanted to ignore but finally couldn’t. Celibacy hadn’t become a big shiny crown for him yet and there was nothing wrong with that. It just hadn’t. I was so excited about my commitment to God. He wasn’t exactly excited. This was new territory for him and for me. But I thought that since I’d assured him, in so many words, that it was a temporary sacrifice for long-term benefits he could just get over it. But it wasn’t fair. Once upon a time, it was a looming shadow for me too. You don’t force an infant baby to eat meat and vegetables. I’m not at all calling him a baby, but he wasn’t ready for meat and vegetables. His spirit couldn’t digest it. I wasn’t trying to change him. I was dragging him along to where I wanted him to be while ignoring the time it took me to get there.

Final episode coming soon! And the surprise twist-ending. ;)

...it's my birthday too yeah!

Today I have the priviledge of sharing my birthday with several people I care about. It's strange actually that there are so many people in my life who share my birthday. Obviously birthdates are not unique to one person. But coming across another person in your personal circle, let alone 5, is pretty unusual. God must've had greatness on His mind for March 16th!

So, Happy Birthday Shannon, Myeshia, Zenitra, Andrea, and of course me!

Casualty of War

So yesterday when I came home from work, I had to say good-bye to a long time friend- my laptop. Last summer she'd begun to show signs of sickness- Letters and surfaces had begun to rub off, 2 out of four of the little rubber feet went missing, it began to take longer to open Firefox than cook dinner, the "blue screen of death" popped up but she was able to quickly recover. Finally her battery ran out and I could only use her while plugged in. I'd just ordered a new battery for her on Sunday but it was too late. She's gone.

I'd like to take a moment to thank her for all the good times and help- preparing business plans, establishing my Real Estate business and bringing me to the cusp of sitting for my RE broker's license exam, playing The Sims, proof-reading my husband's blogs, studying, taking notes, and writing papers in seminary, paying bills, keeping me company while stuck in the bed when I was sick, and of course just being there waiting when I sat with writer's block.

I'd gotten used to her little quirks. She was a good friend and I'll miss her. Now she's in laptop heaven; a casualty of war, but a good soldier. Hopefully she's okay with me moving on and getting to know a new laptop and creating new experiences and memories with her.

Rest in peace.

Compaq Presario R3000

April 3, 2005- March 9, 2009

She was my friend

V

Gravestone II: Celibate, Table for One, Part 1 of 3

This article actually was published in my magazine Revival! back in 2003. It was also published on a magazine-site that honestly, I can't remember the name now! It was for teens and they were looking for an article to encourage young girls with contemporary life-challenges. The original story, not the 500 word magazine version, is about 4 pages long. So I intend to repost this in pieces over time. Technically it's not a "gravestone", but it's worth a revisit.

It's from a very intimate chapter in my life, but I hope it offers encouragement to someone. Keep looking for the future posts. There is a surprise twist ending! ;o)

Celibate, Table for One

Yes Madame, may I help you?
Do you have reservations?
Great. Ah yes! Here you are...Cel-i-bate.
Celibate, table for one. Right this way please.

In my first adult relationship where I’d successfully stood my ground for celibacy, I felt all the exhilaration of Rocky Balboa reaching the top of his run after training for so long-victory arms in the air, jogging in place, theme song in the background- da da daaaaa dada daaaa... and then someone came along and pushed me down the stairs...da da ouch, ooh, ow, oof! We broke-up because of my celibacy. Which surprised me (surprised sounding more up-beat than disappointed) because I thought that if I finally had a relationship where “I did it right”, I would never have to feel the pain of a break-up again; that we would only have to gaze into each other’s eyes and merrily skip along a gum-drop lane to Married Land because God would reward me. After all, “I finally did it right”. But, we broke-up and because of the circumstances it was very hard to accept.

How I felt after the break-up
At first, I was in denial. The night we broke up I was very mature about it- “Oh golly gee, I understand. Thank you so much for being honest with yourself and with me! Wow, well I guess there’s nothing left to do but go home! I have no regrets loving you though. Gosh this is tough, tsk, tsk, tsk. Have a swell life though! I’ll be praying for you, Baby! No, I’m not going to cry until I get into my car, but really this is SO HEALTHY! You were honest about what you weren’t able to handle and I completely understand, really!” This would be the appropriate moment to enter the “Yeah whateva” emoticon- :-| . All that maturity lasted until I woke up the next morning.

Anger with him- giving up all of me for part of me
For days after, I went up and down the grief ladder- I was very hurt, I cried, I was confused, I tried to move on, I tried to hold on and I finally landed on Anger. I was angry with him because I felt he was leaving all of me because he temporarily didn’t have access to part of me. I was angry because our courtship was special, sweet and guided by the Lord. I was angry because...he was gone. He was this wonderful guy who spoke to the secret desires of my heart. He caused me to feel what it meant to blush again. He was handsome, sexy, intelligent and hardworking; with dreams, goals and potential you’d have to see to believe. He was a wonderful man who loved me the best he could by trying hard, and being patient, kind and respectful; who admired me and encouraged me. He was no longer in my life and it was because of sex. The one thing that had caused me so much pain when I’d let it run freely through my relationships before, had once again ruined something I loved even without it being there. It was deafeningly ironic.

Stay tuned

V

I climbed these!

I'm a member of a Meetup group called Nappiology. Ok, real quick I'll explain- it's a group of people who want to celebrate being themselves, namely through having natural hair. It doesn't exclude anyone who relaxes or people like me who straighten their natural hair. It's just about being yourself and enjoying life. Go Nappiologists! http://www.meetup.com/nappiology/

We have lots of fun doing different things. So many things I can hardly keep up with it all, but I'm blessed to have the options. This month in particular, my social calendar is full. Yesterday we went indoor rock climbing. I'd never done that before, but I always looked at it and thought, "How hard can this be? Really? It's like climbing trees." Ok so you know how that story ends! BUT I did manage to scale to the top of 2 walls. I attempted 5. So what! :oP I still got to ring the bell.

Here are pics of the walls I conquered->

Please wait while Norton fixes your problems

I have the Norton anti-virus and internet protection program on my computer. Whenever it detects something off or stale, a little alert pops up indicating something needs my attention. But I always get a giggle whenever I run the full scan because while it does so, a message reads- "Please wait while Norton fixes your problems." I can't resist. Every time I'll squint my eyes and wait, but after the scan completes and I open my eyes, I still have problems! I want my money back!

One of the things, probably to the chagrin of my husband, that I want this blog to be about is my experience as a wife/ie not single/ie married. And because of that, let me first say that writing about my doubts, concerns, triumphs and mistakes as a wife is not meant in any way to reflect something negative about my husband or our marriage. If anyone were to ask me who my hero is, my immediate response is my husband. Mostly for his having to put up with my doubts, concerns, triumphs and mistakes! But truly because he is an amazing man. I love him in a way that transcends me- it is a direct result of God's love for him. In that way, it's love in spite of me! I'm trying to get out of the way and let God's love pour onto him. Unfortunately, often times I get all up in the way and love spills on the floor, splatters on the walls and totally misses its target. And for that, I write. So, with that said...

My husband and I will have our 3rd anniversary in exactly 1 month. Next to Jesus, this will be the longest relationship I've ever had. It's an interesting place reaching that kind of a milestone. Possibly because of the bad habits you learn while dating; namely, breaking up. Whether by my own accord or someone elses, when you reach that tipping point in a dating relationship, you end it and move on. You retreat into your personal love affair with yourself until you decide to go at it again with another boyfriend. Or at least that's how it was with me. Soon, counting exes on one hand spilled over onto the other. I don't think I ever had to rely on my toes though!

In my singleness, God shaped me and changed me to love myself as He loves me. I eventually went from being a very insecure young girl who didn't know much about anything to a much more secure young woman who absolutely loved her journey. As I'd written before, I grew to be comfortable with who I was and what I was about and what I wanted to do in life. I remember one time I told a friend that I loved hanging out with myself because we enjoy doing the same things. I LOVED BEING SINGLE! Even my relationship with God seemed clearer. Maybe not all of the time, but looking back on it, yeah. I clung to Him through good times and bad and we were best pals. In no disrespect of His sovereignty or power, He was like the My Buddy dolls to me- Wherever I go, He goooooes! My Buddy. My Buddy! My Jesus and meeeee! We had a blast. Like I said before, I was at a point where staying single and being with God was all I needed when my husband showed up. I had to learn to let this "intruder" into my relationship with God. To quote a friend of mine who was also comfortable in her singleness- friend or foe?!

Now I feel like that young girl again in some ways- Not sure what I want. Not sure who I am. Not sure where I'm going. And not really enjoying the personal journey. My relationship with God feels strained. In some ways, I ache for being alone with Him again. Just me and HS doing our thang. In the past, when something disrupted that peace, you broke up. That's a bad habit from singleness that is not an option in marriage. (Mental note: teach my daughters to avoid developing that bad habit.) Right around this time, I would be rekindling the flames of my personal love affair and eating cheetos for dinner. No other responsibilities except to myself. I'm keenly aware that I must sound terrible, but I'm being transparent, honest, and frankly feeling a little vulnerable.

So there is this inner struggle. I wrote in my diary this weekend:

Does the joy of a positive pregnancy test outweigh an impromptu trip to Quebec?
Does the joy of planning monthly meals outweigh the joy of exhausting yourself in ministry?
Does the pain of miscommunications outweigh the pain of loneliness?
Does the joy of a SUV filled with little sports equipment outweigh the joy of shiny motorcycle chrome? (Funny story, me and hubs were sitting at Starbucks on Friday on an after work minidate when this beautiful bike cruised by. Oh it was gorgeous. I drooled saying, "Wow, just beautiful." He thought I was talking about this toddler who was standing in the same direction of where I was looking and said, "Yeah she is pretty adorable!" WHATEVER, I was talking about the Hog! LOL)

The answers to those questions are very hard to say right now. But I've put it in God's hands even though I already know the answer. So honey, if you're reading this...Please wait while God fixes my problems.

V

Welcome, Blossoms!

While driving in to work the other day, I noticed the trees are beginning to blossom for Spring. I'm so excited to see them. Texas is hospitable, but even Winter wore out his welcome this year. Welcome, Blossoms!

The Love of God

My devotional this morning contained the lyrics to a hymn called, The Love of God.

 

I thought it was very moving so I'm sharing it here:

 

The Love of God

 

Could we with ink the ocean fill
And were the skies
of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry,
Nor could the scroll
contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky.
 

 

Heart Rate Check

After trying many different ways to get exercise into my routine including yoga, belly dancing and watching this insane man named Gilad at 6am, I've landed on working out at my church through classes they offer in the evenings. So far it's been a great time. Our instructor, Micki, is a little ball of fire and she keeps it fun. She has this way of killing you, but making it seem like you asked her to do so. At the end of it all you're so busy doing the wop that you forget you have sweat in your eye and your hair is all over your head....well sometimes.

 

Towards the end of the 1st round of torture, she always stops, turns off the music and says, "Keep it moving, but find your pulse!" This is our cue that it's time to do a heart rate check. To me, I think it's a way to measure a few things:

 

1) That you're still alive.

2) That you still have feeling in your finger tips.

3) That you can still walk.

4) That you can still walk, feel things, and be alive at the same time.

5) That your heart is getting stronger.

 

Ok so maybe only one of those things is really the goal. But the point is that over the weeks your pulse is supposed to indicate whether you need to work harder, whether you're in a good zone, or whether you're jumping around a little too much. So today, at the end of a cardio kind of week, I'm checking my pulse-

 

So far, in addition to my workout, I added my blog, freelance writing, joined a new ministry (Spiritual Gifts Assessment), researched going back to seminary, researched starting my cello lessons again, planned a trip out of town, and made giving to the food pantry part of my regular shopping. I'd say I've got a good burn going. But when I check my pulse, I've also gotten VERY annoyed with my husband, fell asleep at 5pm for no good reason, forgot to get the groceries I was supposed to buy for my own home, and I can't remember what day it is or what I have planned to do this weekend. I'd say that I'm jumping around a little too much.

 

I plan to keep it moving, but I hope that as I exercise these activities a little more, I will move to a good zone. I started all these things to REV1VEnita, not TRAUMATIZEvenita! So if you see me wandering aimlessly in the middle of the street somewhere, be kind. I'm working it out.

 

V

 

Finding Refuge

I just submitted an article to a publication called Alive Now for Upper Room Ministries. I hope it gets accepted! The article is for their November/December magazine so it will probably be some time before I find out if they want my article. The theme requested was to write about refugees.

My article is called Finding Refuge. As I began to research what I wanted to write in keeping with the request, "how our understanding of ourselves as refugees has been shaped by and helped to shape our ministry" I came across a quote from Paradise Lost. Milton stated “Rocks, dens, and caves! But I in none of these Find place or refuge.”. It's interesting that you can find shelter, but not find refuge there. My take on the theme was to discuss understanding the desire of the refugee (which I depicted as people looking to be served by ministry) is key to understanding what is necessary to provide refuge (ministry) as a church. We cannot begin to serve those in need simply by being what WE think they need. Until the true needs of their heart are discovered, the refugee will not FIND refuge. Although I think they wanted something a little more Christmasy and coming from another angle, I hope they will see the message I think I was supposed to convey. Who knows. It's definitely in God's hands now to do with it as He pleases.

I wanted to try my hand at doing freelance work just to see if I can get any takers. I won't post it here until I hear back from them about whether posting submitted articles on my blog violates any publishing rights they have if they accept and pay for the article. But I'm excited. It was challenging writing what someone else is looking for. I've only written about things that bounce around in my head. So keeping it at 500 words and about someone else's topic was new for me!