Grapples- God's Eden and Eves' Desire

When I was at the grocery store the other day, I smelled the strong aroma of grapes coming from what looked like a pile of apples. Upon closer examination, they were not apples. They were GRAPPLES- apples that tasted like grapes. Obviously some mad scientist decided this was something needed for those who want the convenience of grapes in apple form, I'm guessing. But instead of appearing desirable to me, I stood for a moment with a look of horror on my face not wanting to have anything to do with the grapple. In disgust, I pushed my cart away mumbling "that's just not natural!"

That grocery store moment meant nothing to me until weeks later when I was pouring my heart out to my diary. I was rambling on like I usually do until my thoughts begin to align and focus. My mind started to think about being content with what God gives you and then on to Eve and that transitional moment in Genesis, Chapter 3. I concluded that being dissatisfied in the things God has freely given you is an open invitation to be tempted by the things God says No to...Eh, simple, but empty. So although I ended the entry in my diary, I still had a nagging feeling that I hadn't really seen the whole picture.

A month later, I was awakened at 6am to look at it again. Because of the sorrow that that moment in time brought into the world, I think Eve doesn't garner much empathy. But today, I think I understand her a little bit. I'd like to share this perspective on her desire. So, I want to look at God's Eden and Eves' Desire.

God's Eden
God planted a garden. And in it He provided everything His creation called "man" needed; not just for food, but for vocation, pleasure, and enjoying life. And not just bland stuff, but pleasing and good stuff. That was their world. He expected them to live a satisfying life and be fruitful in what they do. And He was footing the bill- He provided it all. Sounds like a pretty cushy gig to me! But then there was this tree...

I always thought it a peculiar name- The Tree of THE KNOWLEDGE of GOOD AND EVIL. What does that mean anyway? I'm strongly resisting providing a full blown exegesis (fancy seminary word for "way too much detail") about Trees and Fruit etc. But I did want to break it down a little bit.

Knowledge is an intimacy of understanding. It's knowing something so well that it becomes tangled up in who you are. In fact, a euphemism for sex in the bible is to "know" your spouse. It's about intimacy. Knowing your wife is knowing every inch of her- her body, her thoughts, every way she moves, every way she can hurt you, every way she can bring you joy; it becomes all wrapped up inside of you until you can't separate the two from one another. That's true knowledge, true intimacy. So this was a tree whose fruit wasn't going to go in one end and out the other. It was going to become a part of you.

Then there's the good and evil part. The fruit of this tree wasn't from a tree that produced some good pieces and some evil pieces of fruit and Eve accidentally picked an evil piece. It was a fruit with good and evil all mixed up together. It was a grapple. It might taste like a grape, but it crunched like an apple. There was good to an extent, but evil would always be right there with it.

Now, where was this tree? Was it in a super-secret safe with secret service men guarding it? Was it tucked away in a deep deep part of the garden that you had to go on a "Lord of the Rings" trek to find "the precious"? No. It was in plain view in the middle of the garden. There was no point of distance you could get away from it that was not equal to another. And for that matter, it wasn't a tree they accidentally stumbled upon one day. God told Adam and therefore Eve indirectly about the tree, where it was, what it was next to, and its consequence- death. There was one other key detail, but we'll get to that later.

Ok, so we understand what we're dealing with here in the garden. Let's take a look at Eves' desire.

Eves' Desire
Eve had a hunger for something that she determined she wasn't getting from God's provision. God had already declared that the fruit of the trees in Eden were pleasing to the eye and good for food. So Eve's initial observations of the Good/Evil tree wasn't the bad thing God hadn't provided. What she saw extra in that fruit was wisdom. God didn't say that. Wisdom was something she hungered for in the midst of Eden. And that's the kicker. This is the equivalent of making the rounds at an all you can eat buffet, ala Golden Corral but much much better, then scratching your bloated belly and saying, hmm, I'm still hungry.

What wisdom was so important to Eve that she would take such a gamble? Dunno. But despite knowing there would be good and evil in her decision, she was willing to risk death if the serpent was indeed lying. That is a strong desire. That missing piece in her life was overwhelmingly stronger than all the other trees in Eden for Eve. By reaching out for the fruit, she gave up everything else. Wow.

Now before we begin to look down on Eve, hers really was not a unique situation to be in despite the obvious uniquenesses (ie talking serpents). I'd venture to guess that most people have had a similar moment to deal with (sans talking serpents). It's a life-changing cross-roads. The moment between WHEN and THEN. Do I take the evil with the good knowing God has said No, and not only No, but that you will die (serious serious consequence). Or do I trust that my hunger can be satisfied in literally every other thing He's freely given?

So that's not a typo in my title. When I say Eves' desire I'm talking about the legacy of women who decended from her. All of us women. The legacy of Eve was fruitful in that all women, I believe, continue to face that choice. I have desires that attempt to pull me away. I could try and break that legacy for myself; that my children would not have the hunger. Am I strong enough? I am. But some desires will cause you to look in the mirror and say, "I don’t know if I WANT to be strong enough. I want the knowledge of my desire.".

That desire is strong and it could be many things to different women- education, career ambitions, financial wealth, a perfect body, another man. Whatever it is, they consider that by giving up that thing, they are resigning themselves to a miserable life without it. So they take Eve's gamble too.

My Eden is the life that God has given me. I'm surrounded by trees that are pleasing to the eye and good for food. The Tree of Marriage, The budding Tree of Children, The Tree of Trust, The Tree of Security (not just monetarily, but emotionally), The Tree of Good Family Relationships. But I have hungers. Primarily I hunger for passion- passion for living. Sure my Eden has passion in it, but is it the passion I want? There is a tree in my garden that bears fruit that is pleasing to the eye and good for “food”; But I also believe that it is desirable for gaining my passion.

There is some good mixed in with the evil of that tree, but it will forever leave me hungry for everything else I’d already had- life. Because it's not just the piece of fruit, it’s the seeds; it's the fruitfulness; it’s the THEN. The then is cursed! Sacrifices are made and things change. I may have all the things that I thought would mean a more passionate life (good), but they would be cursed (evil).

When and Then
"Genesis 3:6 WHEN the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 THEN the eyes of both of them were opened..." NIV, emphasis added.

WHEN set that moment in time apart from all the other moments. Eve was alone in that moment. Not alone in the sense that no other being was with her, but she had solitary focus. It was a tunnel vision moment that Eve looked at the tree, saw the fruit and acted on it. First she saw, which implies she had observed it, assessed it, thought it over. She took, which implies she reached out and grabbed it. She ate, therefore she consumed it. Each of those steps provided a stop gap to go no further. But at the moment of consumption, there's only THEN.

I saw, I reached out and took some, felt it in my hands, caressed the fruit's fleshy skin, felt the firmness, but I haven’t eaten it. There is the choice we all face- Leave Eden knowing that life will be harder or stay in Eden with hunger. I could fill my belly on all the other foods and control my hunger even though my belly rumbles for passion. Or I can consume all the passion I want and hunger for the well-balanced meal. I would rob myself of the nutritious balance. I may survive, but I won't be healthy. If I look to my vegetarianism- there are tastes that I miss, that I grew up with, that I enjoyed, but I have managed to control my physical hungers for those things. It's my emotional hungers that I have not mastered. I need to satisfy my hunger for passion in the things God has given me. But how? If I already had passion in those things, I wouldn't hunger! Therein is the struggle. There is a tree in all of our gardens. We gaze upon it, daydream about it, and believe it will be desireable for (blank). But there is also the Tree of Life.

The Tree of Life
The other key detail was that the Tree of Life was right next to the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. It was always right there. There are several representative Trees of Life in the bible which is worth a study some time. Our primary exmple is Jesus. Jesus is a Tree of Life who's fruit is available for the grabbing and always right there beside those Good/Evil trees.

I always wondered why she didn't eat from the Tree of Life instead. Her desire for wisdom caused a knowledge of good and evil for all mankind. So ladies, if you're at a WHEN moment, reach for Life. Stay in Eden. Grapples aren't natural!

By the way, Adams are hungry too...He also ate.

-V

Embracing Eiryn Gitt

Some of you may or may not have noticed a scrolling slide show of artwork at the bottom of my blog. Well, in case you were wondering, I drew them! Before I began writing, I got out my excess thoughts onto paper through colored chalk and charcoal. I prefer chalk over other mediums because it's very forgiving and it lets me touch my art and blend myself into the colors. Dirty nails and streaks on my face were pretty typical during those times.

Eiryn Gitt was the pseudonym I used for my art work. It's actually an anagram of the word "integrity". Embracing Integrity. That's what I wanted my art to be about- plain old honest expression, not necessarilly perfect looking. So I won't pretend to think I'm some great artist. It's just a means of expression for me in a tactile way. Although I can do okay work if I'm in a patient mood. I was able to sell a few prints and one of my pieces, "Mary" won an art contest and was on display at Northpark Mall in Dallas a few years back (For non-local folks, Northpark is part mall, part art museum and every year they host various art exhibits and contests). Right now my easel amounts to three dismantled sticks leaning in the closet, but that's okay. I might pick it back up again one day.

Anyway, I wanted to share one more drawing I'd done that's not in the slide show. It is a portrait of my husband I'd given him as a Christmas present when we first started dating. He has the most beautiful eyes, but I drew them closed because I am mesmerized by the gorgeous eyelashes he gets from his mother. He'd kept it even during the "lost time" when we weren't together for some years. Now it hangs in our home. I know.....AWWWWW. :o)

Celibate, Table for One Part II of III

Wow, I didn't realize I haven't posted anything since my birthday. It took a little while for my new laptop to arrive and to finally get my old files onto my new one. So sorry for the delay. I'm working on another observation that hasn't become fully grown yet, so in the meantime, I'll post part II of III...Celibate, Table for One the saga continues! See previous post to catch up.

Anger with Him- My Life, the situation comedy
In the midst of my anger with him, I became angry with God. I asked Him if my love life was some kind of situation comedy for the angel’s amusement. I felt He had betrayed me when all I wanted to do was love Him. I skimmed through my diary and recounted all the times where I’d ooo-ed and aww-ed over a new guy in my life. Once even ending the passage with, “I really hope I don’t read this a year from now and roll my eyes.” Sure enough, I did. And then with my great new guy, I hesitantly wrote, “It seems as though whenever I log a new guy in you, it dooms the relationship, but I’ll take the risk again and see what happens.” ... I looked towards heaven and said, “You have GOT to be kidding me.”


I had accused God of cruel and unusual punishment and not being able to hold up His end of a bargain. I wanted to build my case, so I flipped back to the beginning of my diary and began to read so I could show Him all the ways He’d been so cruel to me. As I read, I saw this new baby in Christ writing about how much she was growing to love God. She talked about leading someone to Christ for the first time and about praying out loud in front of people. She talked about how much better she felt about her life. She wrote of great testimonies of God’s provision. And as she grew, more serious things became embedded in her writings- deep things in her life that she needed to change, and where she had felt pain and heartache. She talked about who she was becoming in the Lord and how He’d been there to hold her when she cried. And as I read I could feel that God did not find her life to be a joke at all. I knew He took it seriously that I was hurting. I knew He appreciated that I did not compromise my love for Him this time when I had before. He showed me how much I’d grown. He showed me how my responses to tough situations had matured. He let me know that He still and will always love me and that I’d grown into a beautiful woman. He assured me that yes, I’d done it right and He was proud of me for doing so. I apologized and He forgave me. The case was closed.

Forgiving
It wasn’t until I decided to forgive him that I began to understand. Celibacy, for me, was a shiny gold crown I wore proudly with big sparkling diamonds. I was so happy that I was doing this for God and as I saw the benefits, I started doing it for myself too and it wasn’t a struggle anymore. For him, I think, it was this looming shadow that followed us around- one that he wanted to ignore but finally couldn’t. Celibacy hadn’t become a big shiny crown for him yet and there was nothing wrong with that. It just hadn’t. I was so excited about my commitment to God. He wasn’t exactly excited. This was new territory for him and for me. But I thought that since I’d assured him, in so many words, that it was a temporary sacrifice for long-term benefits he could just get over it. But it wasn’t fair. Once upon a time, it was a looming shadow for me too. You don’t force an infant baby to eat meat and vegetables. I’m not at all calling him a baby, but he wasn’t ready for meat and vegetables. His spirit couldn’t digest it. I wasn’t trying to change him. I was dragging him along to where I wanted him to be while ignoring the time it took me to get there.

Final episode coming soon! And the surprise twist-ending. ;)

...it's my birthday too yeah!

Today I have the priviledge of sharing my birthday with several people I care about. It's strange actually that there are so many people in my life who share my birthday. Obviously birthdates are not unique to one person. But coming across another person in your personal circle, let alone 5, is pretty unusual. God must've had greatness on His mind for March 16th!

So, Happy Birthday Shannon, Myeshia, Zenitra, Andrea, and of course me!

Casualty of War

So yesterday when I came home from work, I had to say good-bye to a long time friend- my laptop. Last summer she'd begun to show signs of sickness- Letters and surfaces had begun to rub off, 2 out of four of the little rubber feet went missing, it began to take longer to open Firefox than cook dinner, the "blue screen of death" popped up but she was able to quickly recover. Finally her battery ran out and I could only use her while plugged in. I'd just ordered a new battery for her on Sunday but it was too late. She's gone.

I'd like to take a moment to thank her for all the good times and help- preparing business plans, establishing my Real Estate business and bringing me to the cusp of sitting for my RE broker's license exam, playing The Sims, proof-reading my husband's blogs, studying, taking notes, and writing papers in seminary, paying bills, keeping me company while stuck in the bed when I was sick, and of course just being there waiting when I sat with writer's block.

I'd gotten used to her little quirks. She was a good friend and I'll miss her. Now she's in laptop heaven; a casualty of war, but a good soldier. Hopefully she's okay with me moving on and getting to know a new laptop and creating new experiences and memories with her.

Rest in peace.

Compaq Presario R3000

April 3, 2005- March 9, 2009

She was my friend

V

Gravestone II: Celibate, Table for One, Part 1 of 3

This article actually was published in my magazine Revival! back in 2003. It was also published on a magazine-site that honestly, I can't remember the name now! It was for teens and they were looking for an article to encourage young girls with contemporary life-challenges. The original story, not the 500 word magazine version, is about 4 pages long. So I intend to repost this in pieces over time. Technically it's not a "gravestone", but it's worth a revisit.

It's from a very intimate chapter in my life, but I hope it offers encouragement to someone. Keep looking for the future posts. There is a surprise twist ending! ;o)

Celibate, Table for One

Yes Madame, may I help you?
Do you have reservations?
Great. Ah yes! Here you are...Cel-i-bate.
Celibate, table for one. Right this way please.

In my first adult relationship where I’d successfully stood my ground for celibacy, I felt all the exhilaration of Rocky Balboa reaching the top of his run after training for so long-victory arms in the air, jogging in place, theme song in the background- da da daaaaa dada daaaa... and then someone came along and pushed me down the stairs...da da ouch, ooh, ow, oof! We broke-up because of my celibacy. Which surprised me (surprised sounding more up-beat than disappointed) because I thought that if I finally had a relationship where “I did it right”, I would never have to feel the pain of a break-up again; that we would only have to gaze into each other’s eyes and merrily skip along a gum-drop lane to Married Land because God would reward me. After all, “I finally did it right”. But, we broke-up and because of the circumstances it was very hard to accept.

How I felt after the break-up
At first, I was in denial. The night we broke up I was very mature about it- “Oh golly gee, I understand. Thank you so much for being honest with yourself and with me! Wow, well I guess there’s nothing left to do but go home! I have no regrets loving you though. Gosh this is tough, tsk, tsk, tsk. Have a swell life though! I’ll be praying for you, Baby! No, I’m not going to cry until I get into my car, but really this is SO HEALTHY! You were honest about what you weren’t able to handle and I completely understand, really!” This would be the appropriate moment to enter the “Yeah whateva” emoticon- :-| . All that maturity lasted until I woke up the next morning.

Anger with him- giving up all of me for part of me
For days after, I went up and down the grief ladder- I was very hurt, I cried, I was confused, I tried to move on, I tried to hold on and I finally landed on Anger. I was angry with him because I felt he was leaving all of me because he temporarily didn’t have access to part of me. I was angry because our courtship was special, sweet and guided by the Lord. I was angry because...he was gone. He was this wonderful guy who spoke to the secret desires of my heart. He caused me to feel what it meant to blush again. He was handsome, sexy, intelligent and hardworking; with dreams, goals and potential you’d have to see to believe. He was a wonderful man who loved me the best he could by trying hard, and being patient, kind and respectful; who admired me and encouraged me. He was no longer in my life and it was because of sex. The one thing that had caused me so much pain when I’d let it run freely through my relationships before, had once again ruined something I loved even without it being there. It was deafeningly ironic.

Stay tuned

V

I climbed these!

I'm a member of a Meetup group called Nappiology. Ok, real quick I'll explain- it's a group of people who want to celebrate being themselves, namely through having natural hair. It doesn't exclude anyone who relaxes or people like me who straighten their natural hair. It's just about being yourself and enjoying life. Go Nappiologists! http://www.meetup.com/nappiology/

We have lots of fun doing different things. So many things I can hardly keep up with it all, but I'm blessed to have the options. This month in particular, my social calendar is full. Yesterday we went indoor rock climbing. I'd never done that before, but I always looked at it and thought, "How hard can this be? Really? It's like climbing trees." Ok so you know how that story ends! BUT I did manage to scale to the top of 2 walls. I attempted 5. So what! :oP I still got to ring the bell.

Here are pics of the walls I conquered->

Please wait while Norton fixes your problems

I have the Norton anti-virus and internet protection program on my computer. Whenever it detects something off or stale, a little alert pops up indicating something needs my attention. But I always get a giggle whenever I run the full scan because while it does so, a message reads- "Please wait while Norton fixes your problems." I can't resist. Every time I'll squint my eyes and wait, but after the scan completes and I open my eyes, I still have problems! I want my money back!

One of the things, probably to the chagrin of my husband, that I want this blog to be about is my experience as a wife/ie not single/ie married. And because of that, let me first say that writing about my doubts, concerns, triumphs and mistakes as a wife is not meant in any way to reflect something negative about my husband or our marriage. If anyone were to ask me who my hero is, my immediate response is my husband. Mostly for his having to put up with my doubts, concerns, triumphs and mistakes! But truly because he is an amazing man. I love him in a way that transcends me- it is a direct result of God's love for him. In that way, it's love in spite of me! I'm trying to get out of the way and let God's love pour onto him. Unfortunately, often times I get all up in the way and love spills on the floor, splatters on the walls and totally misses its target. And for that, I write. So, with that said...

My husband and I will have our 3rd anniversary in exactly 1 month. Next to Jesus, this will be the longest relationship I've ever had. It's an interesting place reaching that kind of a milestone. Possibly because of the bad habits you learn while dating; namely, breaking up. Whether by my own accord or someone elses, when you reach that tipping point in a dating relationship, you end it and move on. You retreat into your personal love affair with yourself until you decide to go at it again with another boyfriend. Or at least that's how it was with me. Soon, counting exes on one hand spilled over onto the other. I don't think I ever had to rely on my toes though!

In my singleness, God shaped me and changed me to love myself as He loves me. I eventually went from being a very insecure young girl who didn't know much about anything to a much more secure young woman who absolutely loved her journey. As I'd written before, I grew to be comfortable with who I was and what I was about and what I wanted to do in life. I remember one time I told a friend that I loved hanging out with myself because we enjoy doing the same things. I LOVED BEING SINGLE! Even my relationship with God seemed clearer. Maybe not all of the time, but looking back on it, yeah. I clung to Him through good times and bad and we were best pals. In no disrespect of His sovereignty or power, He was like the My Buddy dolls to me- Wherever I go, He goooooes! My Buddy. My Buddy! My Jesus and meeeee! We had a blast. Like I said before, I was at a point where staying single and being with God was all I needed when my husband showed up. I had to learn to let this "intruder" into my relationship with God. To quote a friend of mine who was also comfortable in her singleness- friend or foe?!

Now I feel like that young girl again in some ways- Not sure what I want. Not sure who I am. Not sure where I'm going. And not really enjoying the personal journey. My relationship with God feels strained. In some ways, I ache for being alone with Him again. Just me and HS doing our thang. In the past, when something disrupted that peace, you broke up. That's a bad habit from singleness that is not an option in marriage. (Mental note: teach my daughters to avoid developing that bad habit.) Right around this time, I would be rekindling the flames of my personal love affair and eating cheetos for dinner. No other responsibilities except to myself. I'm keenly aware that I must sound terrible, but I'm being transparent, honest, and frankly feeling a little vulnerable.

So there is this inner struggle. I wrote in my diary this weekend:

Does the joy of a positive pregnancy test outweigh an impromptu trip to Quebec?
Does the joy of planning monthly meals outweigh the joy of exhausting yourself in ministry?
Does the pain of miscommunications outweigh the pain of loneliness?
Does the joy of a SUV filled with little sports equipment outweigh the joy of shiny motorcycle chrome? (Funny story, me and hubs were sitting at Starbucks on Friday on an after work minidate when this beautiful bike cruised by. Oh it was gorgeous. I drooled saying, "Wow, just beautiful." He thought I was talking about this toddler who was standing in the same direction of where I was looking and said, "Yeah she is pretty adorable!" WHATEVER, I was talking about the Hog! LOL)

The answers to those questions are very hard to say right now. But I've put it in God's hands even though I already know the answer. So honey, if you're reading this...Please wait while God fixes my problems.

V

Welcome, Blossoms!

While driving in to work the other day, I noticed the trees are beginning to blossom for Spring. I'm so excited to see them. Texas is hospitable, but even Winter wore out his welcome this year. Welcome, Blossoms!

The Love of God

My devotional this morning contained the lyrics to a hymn called, The Love of God.

 

I thought it was very moving so I'm sharing it here:

 

The Love of God

 

Could we with ink the ocean fill
And were the skies
of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry,
Nor could the scroll
contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky.