Starting From Scratch

So guess what? My laptop died...AGAIN!! I just got it back today. I'm beginning to wonder if my old laptop got jealous and put a hex on my new one...c'est la vie

In the meantime I've been keeping pretty busy. Although I did experience a couple of totally boring evenings, I think I've done more in the past few weeks than I'd done all year. In fact, I should probably slow it down a bit. Neither my budget nor my stamina appreciates the vigor. Some days have been lower than low. Others have been...strange. And others yet have been pure joy. All in all, it's been interesting.

But tonight my mind is on deeper things than keeping my social calendar full. Tonight I'm pondering what I truly want to do with my life. I'd written before that if on my death bed I look back and know that I tried all the things that interest me, I would feel I'd lead a satisfying life. But today I have a feeling that there's more to my existence than that. For example, my very good friend is a wonder. She's a fabulous single mom, 15 weeks away from getting her Masters, mentors young women and actually has something called "career goals". Her life is very well rounded. And not to compare, but my life is kinda pointy, very uneven and I feel I'm very much behind the curve. Surely I could be doing more...not more quantity, but more quality.

Three years ago I felt my life had a clear plan and purpose. I'd set my goals, worked towards them and felt like I was on the right track. But lately I've been reevaluating the track. A lot of my time, tears, and energy were spent chasing the desire to be a good wife and mom. Correction, my goal was to be an excellent wife and mom. Motivated by that desire, I too seemed a wonder. I was going places with a lot to offer. But now because of life-changes, I have an opportunity to consider why I was on that track to begin with. What if I don't want to have kids someday? That kinda unravels a lot of work I'd put into the past 10 years of my life. This moment is surreal. It's like living in a house for many years- well appointed, maybe a few signs of wear and tear, but familiar. Then suddenly, you open a door and find your foot dangling into an empty world of white walls. And that's when it hits you- "Damn, I'm starting from scratch."

What kind of design do I want the rest of my life to reflect? Is it traditional? Modern? or Eclectic? Do I want to go for the minimalist feel or comfy casual? Do I even want to share it with any "significant" other (grown up or miniature)? It's all a very daunting thing. Sometimes I'm told by those whose gaze drifts away into the distance as though envisioning their own empty world of white, how brave and fantastic a blank slate would be. The mixture of pain and longing in their eyes makes me wince and appreciate my opportunity. But sometimes I look into the eyes of those who are settled in, like my friend. Most of their boxes and baggage are unpacked and they're very comfortable living their lives. Then my gaze drifts back to the well-appointed house I'd worked so hard to establish and there's pain and longing in my own eyes.

Nevertheless, here I am. I need to spend some time really figuring out if I need to tear down some walls, redesign and go for a totally different space. Or if I just need to move into a new place and rebuild on the same framework. So the walls aren't exactly blank. They've just been painted over. However, starting over doesn't come with the luxury of primer! There's still some remnant of the life I'd planned for myself. I have to be true to that. But I'm hoping that whatever design I finally settle on, I can live with it. At least for a little while...