Please wait while Norton fixes your problems

I have the Norton anti-virus and internet protection program on my computer. Whenever it detects something off or stale, a little alert pops up indicating something needs my attention. But I always get a giggle whenever I run the full scan because while it does so, a message reads- "Please wait while Norton fixes your problems." I can't resist. Every time I'll squint my eyes and wait, but after the scan completes and I open my eyes, I still have problems! I want my money back!

One of the things, probably to the chagrin of my husband, that I want this blog to be about is my experience as a wife/ie not single/ie married. And because of that, let me first say that writing about my doubts, concerns, triumphs and mistakes as a wife is not meant in any way to reflect something negative about my husband or our marriage. If anyone were to ask me who my hero is, my immediate response is my husband. Mostly for his having to put up with my doubts, concerns, triumphs and mistakes! But truly because he is an amazing man. I love him in a way that transcends me- it is a direct result of God's love for him. In that way, it's love in spite of me! I'm trying to get out of the way and let God's love pour onto him. Unfortunately, often times I get all up in the way and love spills on the floor, splatters on the walls and totally misses its target. And for that, I write. So, with that said...

My husband and I will have our 3rd anniversary in exactly 1 month. Next to Jesus, this will be the longest relationship I've ever had. It's an interesting place reaching that kind of a milestone. Possibly because of the bad habits you learn while dating; namely, breaking up. Whether by my own accord or someone elses, when you reach that tipping point in a dating relationship, you end it and move on. You retreat into your personal love affair with yourself until you decide to go at it again with another boyfriend. Or at least that's how it was with me. Soon, counting exes on one hand spilled over onto the other. I don't think I ever had to rely on my toes though!

In my singleness, God shaped me and changed me to love myself as He loves me. I eventually went from being a very insecure young girl who didn't know much about anything to a much more secure young woman who absolutely loved her journey. As I'd written before, I grew to be comfortable with who I was and what I was about and what I wanted to do in life. I remember one time I told a friend that I loved hanging out with myself because we enjoy doing the same things. I LOVED BEING SINGLE! Even my relationship with God seemed clearer. Maybe not all of the time, but looking back on it, yeah. I clung to Him through good times and bad and we were best pals. In no disrespect of His sovereignty or power, He was like the My Buddy dolls to me- Wherever I go, He goooooes! My Buddy. My Buddy! My Jesus and meeeee! We had a blast. Like I said before, I was at a point where staying single and being with God was all I needed when my husband showed up. I had to learn to let this "intruder" into my relationship with God. To quote a friend of mine who was also comfortable in her singleness- friend or foe?!

Now I feel like that young girl again in some ways- Not sure what I want. Not sure who I am. Not sure where I'm going. And not really enjoying the personal journey. My relationship with God feels strained. In some ways, I ache for being alone with Him again. Just me and HS doing our thang. In the past, when something disrupted that peace, you broke up. That's a bad habit from singleness that is not an option in marriage. (Mental note: teach my daughters to avoid developing that bad habit.) Right around this time, I would be rekindling the flames of my personal love affair and eating cheetos for dinner. No other responsibilities except to myself. I'm keenly aware that I must sound terrible, but I'm being transparent, honest, and frankly feeling a little vulnerable.

So there is this inner struggle. I wrote in my diary this weekend:

Does the joy of a positive pregnancy test outweigh an impromptu trip to Quebec?
Does the joy of planning monthly meals outweigh the joy of exhausting yourself in ministry?
Does the pain of miscommunications outweigh the pain of loneliness?
Does the joy of a SUV filled with little sports equipment outweigh the joy of shiny motorcycle chrome? (Funny story, me and hubs were sitting at Starbucks on Friday on an after work minidate when this beautiful bike cruised by. Oh it was gorgeous. I drooled saying, "Wow, just beautiful." He thought I was talking about this toddler who was standing in the same direction of where I was looking and said, "Yeah she is pretty adorable!" WHATEVER, I was talking about the Hog! LOL)

The answers to those questions are very hard to say right now. But I've put it in God's hands even though I already know the answer. So honey, if you're reading this...Please wait while God fixes my problems.

V