It's from a very intimate chapter in my life, but I hope it offers encouragement to someone. Keep looking for the future posts. There is a surprise twist ending! ;o)
Celibate, Table for One
Yes Madame, may I help you?
Do you have reservations?
Great. Ah yes! Here you are...Cel-i-bate.
Celibate, table for one. Right this way please.
In my first adult relationship where I’d successfully stood my ground for celibacy, I felt all the exhilaration of Rocky Balboa reaching the top of his run after training for so long-victory arms in the air, jogging in place, theme song in the background- da da daaaaa dada daaaa... and then someone came along and pushed me down the stairs...da da ouch, ooh, ow, oof! We broke-up because of my celibacy. Which surprised me (surprised sounding more up-beat than disappointed) because I thought that if I finally had a relationship where “I did it right”, I would never have to feel the pain of a break-up again; that we would only have to gaze into each other’s eyes and merrily skip along a gum-drop lane to Married Land because God would reward me. After all, “I finally did it right”. But, we broke-up and because of the circumstances it was very hard to accept.
How I felt after the break-up
At first, I was in denial. The night we broke up I was very mature about it- “Oh golly gee, I understand. Thank you so much for being honest with yourself and with me! Wow, well I guess there’s nothing left to do but go home! I have no regrets loving you though. Gosh this is tough, tsk, tsk, tsk. Have a swell life though! I’ll be praying for you, Baby! No, I’m not going to cry until I get into my car, but really this is SO HEALTHY! You were honest about what you weren’t able to handle and I completely understand, really!” This would be the appropriate moment to enter the “Yeah whateva” emoticon- :-| . All that maturity lasted until I woke up the next morning.
Anger with him- giving up all of me for part of me
For days after, I went up and down the grief ladder- I was very hurt, I cried, I was confused, I tried to move on, I tried to hold on and I finally landed on Anger. I was angry with him because I felt he was leaving all of me because he temporarily didn’t have access to part of me. I was angry because our courtship was special, sweet and guided by the Lord. I was angry because...he was gone. He was this wonderful guy who spoke to the secret desires of my heart. He caused me to feel what it meant to blush again. He was handsome, sexy, intelligent and hardworking; with dreams, goals and potential you’d have to see to believe. He was a wonderful man who loved me the best he could by trying hard, and being patient, kind and respectful; who admired me and encouraged me. He was no longer in my life and it was because of sex. The one thing that had caused me so much pain when I’d let it run freely through my relationships before, had once again ruined something I loved even without it being there. It was deafeningly ironic.
Stay tuned
V
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment