Celibate, Table for One Part II of III

Wow, I didn't realize I haven't posted anything since my birthday. It took a little while for my new laptop to arrive and to finally get my old files onto my new one. So sorry for the delay. I'm working on another observation that hasn't become fully grown yet, so in the meantime, I'll post part II of III...Celibate, Table for One the saga continues! See previous post to catch up.

Anger with Him- My Life, the situation comedy
In the midst of my anger with him, I became angry with God. I asked Him if my love life was some kind of situation comedy for the angel’s amusement. I felt He had betrayed me when all I wanted to do was love Him. I skimmed through my diary and recounted all the times where I’d ooo-ed and aww-ed over a new guy in my life. Once even ending the passage with, “I really hope I don’t read this a year from now and roll my eyes.” Sure enough, I did. And then with my great new guy, I hesitantly wrote, “It seems as though whenever I log a new guy in you, it dooms the relationship, but I’ll take the risk again and see what happens.” ... I looked towards heaven and said, “You have GOT to be kidding me.”


I had accused God of cruel and unusual punishment and not being able to hold up His end of a bargain. I wanted to build my case, so I flipped back to the beginning of my diary and began to read so I could show Him all the ways He’d been so cruel to me. As I read, I saw this new baby in Christ writing about how much she was growing to love God. She talked about leading someone to Christ for the first time and about praying out loud in front of people. She talked about how much better she felt about her life. She wrote of great testimonies of God’s provision. And as she grew, more serious things became embedded in her writings- deep things in her life that she needed to change, and where she had felt pain and heartache. She talked about who she was becoming in the Lord and how He’d been there to hold her when she cried. And as I read I could feel that God did not find her life to be a joke at all. I knew He took it seriously that I was hurting. I knew He appreciated that I did not compromise my love for Him this time when I had before. He showed me how much I’d grown. He showed me how my responses to tough situations had matured. He let me know that He still and will always love me and that I’d grown into a beautiful woman. He assured me that yes, I’d done it right and He was proud of me for doing so. I apologized and He forgave me. The case was closed.

Forgiving
It wasn’t until I decided to forgive him that I began to understand. Celibacy, for me, was a shiny gold crown I wore proudly with big sparkling diamonds. I was so happy that I was doing this for God and as I saw the benefits, I started doing it for myself too and it wasn’t a struggle anymore. For him, I think, it was this looming shadow that followed us around- one that he wanted to ignore but finally couldn’t. Celibacy hadn’t become a big shiny crown for him yet and there was nothing wrong with that. It just hadn’t. I was so excited about my commitment to God. He wasn’t exactly excited. This was new territory for him and for me. But I thought that since I’d assured him, in so many words, that it was a temporary sacrifice for long-term benefits he could just get over it. But it wasn’t fair. Once upon a time, it was a looming shadow for me too. You don’t force an infant baby to eat meat and vegetables. I’m not at all calling him a baby, but he wasn’t ready for meat and vegetables. His spirit couldn’t digest it. I wasn’t trying to change him. I was dragging him along to where I wanted him to be while ignoring the time it took me to get there.

Final episode coming soon! And the surprise twist-ending. ;)